the work issue, again.

So I found out yesterday that I will not be able to return to work part time. I cannot even begin to describe how much this upsets me. Apparently my boss "tried everything" to allow me to come back part time, but it's just not feasible. I cried over this I don't even know how much yesterday. Returning to work is not something I even wanted to do, but we decided I needed to because we can't afford for me not to. I was ok with going back to my current job when I thought I could come back part time. Except, I wasn't that ok with going back to my current job. I am completely burnt out with that job.

I realized yesterday too, that if I return to work part time, and the hubs goes to the night shift, that we will see each other for maybe 4 hours everyday, and we will never have a day off together. Ever. Which is another reason part time would be ideal. I would be able to take at least one day off during the week that the hubs also has off. Now? Not.

I would do anything for my lil man. Anything. But I don't know that returning to my current job is possible. I desperately need to find something else, something that allows me to be part time so that I can spend time with both my men, and something that doesn't make me feel totally drained at the end of the day.

Because that's part of the problem with my current job. The whole being burnt out thing means that I am completely drained at the end of the day.I felt like on some days that I couldn't even take care of myself or my own needs, let alone the needs of a baby boy, who I can't just tell to go play by himself for a few minutes while I chug a glass of wine and relax. No, my little man relies on me for everything, especially right now, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

And here I am, looking desperately for a new job, in this job market, when really I should be thankful that I HAVE a job, even if it's one that right now, sadly, I hate.

We all make sacrifices for our little ones. Husband is going to be sacrificing sleep so that he can be home with Alex during the day, so that I can return to work, even though I don't want to. SAHM's make sacrifices when they spend all day every day with their little ones, moms who work full time make sacrifices since they aren't able to see their little ones as much as they would like. I've said before that I want the best of both worlds. I want to be able to stay home with my guy a few days a week and work a few days a week, so that we can (1) make enough money and (2) I won't go completely stir crazy staying home with lil man every day.

But don't get me started on the ethical dilemma of returning to work KNOWING that I am going to leave again, hopefully sooner rather than later. How do I start working with clients again, only to up and leave again? How is this good client care? Why is this even weighing into my decision about what I want to do?

Seriously, I could really use that lottery money, so if anyone wins it, please send some my way. In the meantime I'll be spending every waking minute spoiling my little man, and dreading my eventual return to the work force. (and by eventual, I mean next week.)