Burnt. Out.

Ya'll, I am burnt out at my job. I have mentioned this before, briefly, but it's getting serious. I have cried at work almost every day this week, and not because I miss the owlet, although that's part of it. I think the only day I didn't cry was yesterday, but that was because I was so godawfully busy that I didn't even have time to stop and think.

I work with some pretty tough people. Let me rephrase that. I work with some pretty great kids and some pretty crappy parents who I often want to shake and slap upside the head. I want to shake them and smack them a lot more than I used to before the owlet arrived. And now that he's here, well, these crappy parents just put me over the edge. And, I'll be honest. Not all of the kids I work with are great, but some of them really are, they just have terrible home lives. Burnout:1, Jess: 0

For the record, I was feeling pretty fried before I left on Materinty Leave. Then I came back from said leave to a damn near full caseload and a heavy heart to have to leave my owlet everyday. I searched high and low for a part time job while I was on leave, to no avail. I even asked my supervisor if I could come back part time so that I could spend more time with my lil guy, because let's face it, I didn't want to come back anyway, but if I could do it part time it might be somewhat more bearable. (she said No. In case you couldn't guess.)

Adding to the burnout is the fact that I never see the hubs. Ok, I see him. But it's for about 3-4 hours everyday. The same amount of time I get to spend with the owlet. And it's not enough quality time with either of them. I spent most of that time feeding the owlet and playing with him before it's time for his bedtime routine, and then mine. And since the hubs works nights, he usually naps before he goes in. So the whole family usually heads to bed by about 7:30. Awesome. Makes you wonder why laundry hasn't been put away in a fortnight, doesn't it?
Burnout: 3, Jess: 0

So, my main source of support is not home at night, and he sleeps during the day. I am incredibly burnt out already on my job, and am searching fruitlessly for something else that will allow me to work part time and with decent enough pay and hours so that I actually get to spend time with the lil man. All of this in a job economy that sucks.
Burnout: 5, Jess: 0

One of the amazing therapists I work with did a talk on vicarious trauma/burnout the other day, and she asked us to think about why we do what we do. For me, right now, being totally honest with myself (and all of you) I do it for the owlet. I do it to bring home a paycheck. Not the best reason to continue to do the work that I do, but, well. That's what it is.

And when I come home after a tiring, trying day, and I see that look of recognition on the owlet's face, and I see that incredible smile that lights up his face, well, sometimes that makes things a whole lot better. And when I get to spend time playing with him and he laughs and smiles and babbles and coos with me, it just makes me melt. It makes me start to forget the crappy day I just had.

Burnout: 6, Jess: 3.

A letter to working mammas

Dear Working Moms (and SAHMs too!),
We need to talk. Why is it that we don't talk to each other about how difficult going back to work is? I mean sure we blog about it, but we don't talk to one another about it. It seems like we're all just going about our days, miserable and missing our babies, but we never say to other working moms, "you know what? This sucks and I wish I didn't have to be back at work but I do. How are you making it work for you so that you don't cry all day?" Or is that just me? I know it's not, because I know there's plenty of other bloggin mammas out there who talk about the same thing. A friend of mine who aso is a new, working mom equated leaving her little one to go to work like "heading to the airport to catch a flight knowing you left a whole bunch of appliances on. It's not so much sadness as it is anxiety provoking." We need to have more copnversations like this.

I'm sure for most, if not all of us, going back to work after having a little one sucks. Maybe it sucks less for people who love their jobs and don't have to listen to kids tell them horrible stories about their lives that make them want to run home and pick up their little owlets and never let them go. Ok, that's probably just me. But seriously. As working moms I don't feel like we have a role model. Someone that we can aim to be like, who's doing the 9-5 gig and seamlessly transitioning to being a mommy at night. Maybe we don't have a role model because there just isn't anyone like that. Or there are people like that but they also feel like they don't know how to make this all work.

Last night I saw my owlet for a total of an hour while he was awake. An hour. Not cool. He also woke up like 6 times last night too, probably because he missed me as much as I missed him. I just don't know how I'm supposed to make everything work. Something's gotta give, and it's not going to be being a mommy. I've only been back at work for 3 weeks and I find myself coming in late and leaving early. I no longer linger after team meetings to chit-chat with people and catch up, I'd much rather book it to my car so that I can get home to my guys.

I guess the only role model I have for being a working mom is my own mother, who worked the swing shift while I was a wee one, and the day shift once I started going to school. My mom was a single mom doing the best she could so that she could give me the best life possible. But she never told me how difficult it was for her to leave me with a sitter everyday. Other than it was a sacrifice she had to make in order to make things work. We need to talk about this too, mammas, about how hard it is to leave our little ones in the care of someone else, especially when they are so small and when we feel like no one else is going to care for them like we do.

Don't get me wrong, my mother in law is wonderful and caring and I'm sure she loves my little owlet as much as she loves her own children. But that doesn't make dropping him off with her any easier. People think it is, but it's not. Because he's not with me. Sure there's times when he screams for hours on end and I'd love nothing more than to hand him off to someone so that I can drink an enormous glass of wine while taking a bubble bath, but that's only for a couple hours. Once I'd calmed down, I'd want him back. And not just at the end of a long, tiring day of work.

So working moms and SAHMs, how do you make it work? I'm including you SAHMs too, because I'm sure there's days that you miss being at work. Days where the kids won't nap and you haven't gotten anything done and you wish for a minute or two that you could drop them off with someone and just go be by yourself or with friends (sans kids) for a few hours. I know the grass isn't always greener, that sometimes we want to be on the other side of the fence, but I think we forget what it looks like over there too.

Let's talk!

First week down, a trillion more to go

I survived my first week back to work. Sort of. Well, of course I survived, since I'm still here, but man. It. Was. Hard. Thank heaven my MIL was willing to bring my owlet to me a few days during the week so that I could feed him during my lunch, and I was able to go to him a few other days for the same thing. But leaving him twice in one day instead of just once? Sucky. Is it more sucky that not seeing him all day? I don't know yet. Next week I won't be so lucky. Full days seeing clients. Blech.

I am desperately trying to find something else. Something that might allow me to work part time. Or to take Alex with me to work. Or to never have to work again. Ha. Wouldn't that be grand? I'm still waiting on that lotto money folks, so any time now you can send it my way, kay?

In the mean time, I guess I'll just keep plugging away at this job that I'm completely burned out on so that I can sort of help provide for my family. Have I mentioned the fact that the hubs watches tv for a living and gets paid like, twice as much as I do? OK, maybe that's an exaggeration of sorts, but still. And yes he does more than just watch tv, but it's the principle of the thing. I'm trying to change kids lives here, and he's watching television at all hours of the night. To be fair, there's nothing on tv late at night, so I guess some of his pay comes from the fact that he has to work ungodly hours when there's nothing on except bad movies and infomercials. Believe me, I know. I tend to be up with lil man at ungodly hours waiting desperately for him to fall back to sleep.

I think that's been one of the harder things about going back to work: waking up on time. When I was on that glorious maternity leave, I could sleep all day, or when Alex let me sleep. If he woke up at 5am to eat, no worries if he didn't fall back asleep until 7:00, I could just snooze with him on my chest. NOW when he wakes up at 5:00, I might as well just stay up, because my alarm is going off by the time I get him back to sleep anyway. I'll admit there have been quite a few days where I have been running insanely late, but oh well. I guess it all comes from being a mom. The nice thing is that no one is really here to keep tabs on me other than myself, so if I'm a smidge late here and there, no one is really the wiser. Right?

The other adjustment? Pumping at work. Oy, This is a hassle and a half. I will continue to do it, of course, because I think it's what's best for my lil man, but wow. Between feeling totally paranoid that someone is going to walk into my office when I have this contraption strapped to me, washing the darn things in between pumpings (carrying breast pump pieces through an elementary school? Awesome, btw.) and lugging the thing to and from work everyday? I might just go crazy. Of course, the pain of NOT pumping is so not worth it either, And I could be a lot worse off, I know there's several women who have to pump in tiny little closets or icky bathrooms somewhere, so I'm not complaining that much. It's just another fun little adjustment to being a working mom.

That and walking around with spit-up all over your clothes because you didn't have time to change before leaving for work. Fun times.

The Changing of the Guard

The hubs has started working nights. I hate this. But he needs to do it and it's not a forever thing, its a for now thing. He's only had 3 shifts so far, but I cannot even tell you how difficult this has been on me. Which is weird because for the most part Alex pretty much sleeps all night. Except for last night, when it took him an hour and a half to fall back to sleep after his 3:30 feeding. Which means I went back to sleep around 5:00. This is all fine and well and good right now (ok, its not fine or good at all) but since I'm still home all day for the next few days, I can sacrifice a little bit of sleep in the wee small hours of the morning because it means that I can sleep until 11:00, like we did today. BUT in 2 days, when I go back to work, when Alex is still awake at 5:00, there will be no going back to sleep, I will just need to get up and get started with my day. I don't like this thought, since I have never been a morning person. Just ask any of my college roommates. Or my husband. Or my mom.

Anyway, once I go back to work, the hubs will be watching our little man. With my Mother in Law. At her house. So that he can sleep. Now, I understand that working the overnight shift wreaks havoc on your sleep schedule, because I did it too for like a year, and I never got used to it. Mostly because I didn't allow myself to sleep when things were going on. I do like that he'll be around to help my MIL out, and that he'll have some time to bond more with lil man. But here's what's unfair: all along when you're home with your little one, everyone says "sleep when they sleep" because of all the sleepless nights (or the hour and a half that it takes them to fall back to sleep after eating...). So, does that mean I get to nap at work? I wish. But no. So instead, I get to be sleep deprived in the middle of the night, and stressed that it feels like I'm doing this all by myself, except from about 4:30-8:00 every night.

Quick shout out to single mom's out there: I don't know how you do it. Seriously. Mad props to you all. Especially mad props to my mom who was a single mom for far too long and had to deal with a little one who wouldn't nap in the middle of the day so that she could sleep, because she worked the swing shift. What a brat that little girl was!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah. So, starting Friday, the hubs will come home and get our little guy and take him up to my MIL's house, and I will head to work. And cry. And at some point, I will come home and take over. I know it's early with this whole thing, but I need this to get easier. Right now.

the work issue, again.

So I found out yesterday that I will not be able to return to work part time. I cannot even begin to describe how much this upsets me. Apparently my boss "tried everything" to allow me to come back part time, but it's just not feasible. I cried over this I don't even know how much yesterday. Returning to work is not something I even wanted to do, but we decided I needed to because we can't afford for me not to. I was ok with going back to my current job when I thought I could come back part time. Except, I wasn't that ok with going back to my current job. I am completely burnt out with that job.

I realized yesterday too, that if I return to work part time, and the hubs goes to the night shift, that we will see each other for maybe 4 hours everyday, and we will never have a day off together. Ever. Which is another reason part time would be ideal. I would be able to take at least one day off during the week that the hubs also has off. Now? Not.

I would do anything for my lil man. Anything. But I don't know that returning to my current job is possible. I desperately need to find something else, something that allows me to be part time so that I can spend time with both my men, and something that doesn't make me feel totally drained at the end of the day.

Because that's part of the problem with my current job. The whole being burnt out thing means that I am completely drained at the end of the day.I felt like on some days that I couldn't even take care of myself or my own needs, let alone the needs of a baby boy, who I can't just tell to go play by himself for a few minutes while I chug a glass of wine and relax. No, my little man relies on me for everything, especially right now, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

And here I am, looking desperately for a new job, in this job market, when really I should be thankful that I HAVE a job, even if it's one that right now, sadly, I hate.

We all make sacrifices for our little ones. Husband is going to be sacrificing sleep so that he can be home with Alex during the day, so that I can return to work, even though I don't want to. SAHM's make sacrifices when they spend all day every day with their little ones, moms who work full time make sacrifices since they aren't able to see their little ones as much as they would like. I've said before that I want the best of both worlds. I want to be able to stay home with my guy a few days a week and work a few days a week, so that we can (1) make enough money and (2) I won't go completely stir crazy staying home with lil man every day.

But don't get me started on the ethical dilemma of returning to work KNOWING that I am going to leave again, hopefully sooner rather than later. How do I start working with clients again, only to up and leave again? How is this good client care? Why is this even weighing into my decision about what I want to do?

Seriously, I could really use that lottery money, so if anyone wins it, please send some my way. In the meantime I'll be spending every waking minute spoiling my little man, and dreading my eventual return to the work force. (and by eventual, I mean next week.)