The Changing of the Guard

The hubs has started working nights. I hate this. But he needs to do it and it's not a forever thing, its a for now thing. He's only had 3 shifts so far, but I cannot even tell you how difficult this has been on me. Which is weird because for the most part Alex pretty much sleeps all night. Except for last night, when it took him an hour and a half to fall back to sleep after his 3:30 feeding. Which means I went back to sleep around 5:00. This is all fine and well and good right now (ok, its not fine or good at all) but since I'm still home all day for the next few days, I can sacrifice a little bit of sleep in the wee small hours of the morning because it means that I can sleep until 11:00, like we did today. BUT in 2 days, when I go back to work, when Alex is still awake at 5:00, there will be no going back to sleep, I will just need to get up and get started with my day. I don't like this thought, since I have never been a morning person. Just ask any of my college roommates. Or my husband. Or my mom.

Anyway, once I go back to work, the hubs will be watching our little man. With my Mother in Law. At her house. So that he can sleep. Now, I understand that working the overnight shift wreaks havoc on your sleep schedule, because I did it too for like a year, and I never got used to it. Mostly because I didn't allow myself to sleep when things were going on. I do like that he'll be around to help my MIL out, and that he'll have some time to bond more with lil man. But here's what's unfair: all along when you're home with your little one, everyone says "sleep when they sleep" because of all the sleepless nights (or the hour and a half that it takes them to fall back to sleep after eating...). So, does that mean I get to nap at work? I wish. But no. So instead, I get to be sleep deprived in the middle of the night, and stressed that it feels like I'm doing this all by myself, except from about 4:30-8:00 every night.

Quick shout out to single mom's out there: I don't know how you do it. Seriously. Mad props to you all. Especially mad props to my mom who was a single mom for far too long and had to deal with a little one who wouldn't nap in the middle of the day so that she could sleep, because she worked the swing shift. What a brat that little girl was!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah. So, starting Friday, the hubs will come home and get our little guy and take him up to my MIL's house, and I will head to work. And cry. And at some point, I will come home and take over. I know it's early with this whole thing, but I need this to get easier. Right now.

problem...solved?

So the hubs and I might have figured out a solution to the whole childcare issue. After sitting down last night, with only a minimal melt-down by me, and crunching some numbers (I hate budgeting, btw, because I don't like seeing how little money we are left with each month) we decided that there is no way we can afford childcare each month. No surprise there, right? Which reminds me, why on earth did I get a job in the non-profit world? Maybe if I was working in some big shot company I'd be able to afford childcare. Or if the hubs was, then I could stay home. But I'm not going to get started on THAT whole thing again. Anyway, we can't afford childcare. And we can't afford for me to stay home. Awesome.

So, the hubs, wonderful man that he is, is going to make the sacrifice of working the night shift at his company. Of course it's a sacrifice for me too, since it means less time with my wonderful husband, but it also means that we won't have to pay for childcare, because he'll be able to stay home with our owlet all day, and I'll be home with him all night. As much as it's going to be hard at first, it will still allow him to be around a lot, and spend time with our little guy. We talked about how hard it's going to be for him to sleep, since sometimes this little owlet barely naps during the day, so, we ALSO decided that he would spend the day with the dog and the lil guy at the grandparents house. That way they get to spend lots of time with him too, and he can nap even if Alex decides he doesn't want to, there will still be someone there to take care of him.

As hard as it will be for me to go back to work and leave my little one in someone else's hands, I'm glad to know that he will be in very capable, loving hands. Although if anyone out there wins the lottery, it'd be awesome if you sent some of that money my way so that I don't have to leave him at all.

the great debate

Over the past few weeks there has been a huge debate going on in my mind, and recently, out loud. This debate is about work. And childcare. Sadly, the hubs and I have realized that I cannot be a SAHM (stay at home mom). Not that I want to be a SAHM, not really. I want to spend everyday with my owlet, watching him grow, teaching him things, and playing with him, but I want to be able to go out and talk to people and have adult conversations. Basically I want the best of both worlds. I have approached my boss about possibly going to part time, which would allow me time home with my owlet a couple days a week. The problem with this scenario: I am burned out on my job. And if I'm not allowed to go to part time, I worry that I will come home so drained dealing with kiddos and the various systems that I work in that I won't have time to enjoy being a Mom. So, I have started looking for other things. This brings a whole new issue, as what I am looking at is not part time, but it may allow me to be less stressed thus allowing me to feel like I can give more time and energy to my little guy when I get home, rather than being totally drained and stressed out. Of course, there's the possibility of this other job not paying enough, which brings me to the other issue: Childcare.

Why on earth is child care so expensive? I emailed a potential nanny the other day, her rate? $12/hour. That's just a little less than I make an hour. So why do I want to pay someone basically the same thing that I make after taxes to stay home and watch my child, when that's all I want to do, and I could do it for free? It just doesn't make sense. If only I wasn't going to be paying student loans until I'm 60, it might be somewhat feasible for me to stay home. Or just work part time. Maybe what I need to do is get a job AT a childcare facility?! That way I could have the best of both worlds. I could spend the day with my little man WHILE getting childcare WHILE getting paid! Of course, I'm not qualified to do this, but hey, a girl can dream right?