Anger

A while back, like when the owlet was just a wee little thing, instead of the almost 2 year old he is now, I realized that I do not do well on minimal sleep.

I also realized that when I don't get enough sleep, or am awoken in the middle of the night, or early in the morning, I become a very, very terrible person.

The kind of person who, albeit briefly, understands why some people get to the point of hurting their children. It needs to be said, however, that in my fully awake, caffeinated, rational mind, I would NEVER dream of hurting my child, and that the very thought makes me sick. HOWEVER. There are times, like at 3am, when the owlet has flopped around for an hour and a half and refused to go back to sleep, both in his crib and in bed with me, that I have come close to losing it.

On more than one occasion, I have actually lost it. Although I have never struck my child. And I never will.

Yes, I have screamed, and yelled. I even said the title of that book. (You know the one.)

And the following morning, after I looked at my little sleeping guy, all peaceful and breathing deeply, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of love, and of sadness and anger at myself. No one deserves to be yelled at like that. Yes, he's 16 months, and no, he won't remember it. But I will.

The day after this happened most recently, I apologized to him. I told him that I was sorry I yelled at him. I explained to him, even though he couldn't understand, that Mommy does not do well on very little sleep. I told him that I don't ever want him to be afraid of me. That I don't want him to think that anger is the way to solve problems. Because it's not.

But we inch ever closer to the Terrible Two's. To the days of wanting to rip my hair out. To the days where I am going to be tired of telling him "the dog is not for hitting." "We don't throw our cup at the tv." Where it will be easier to smack his hand after he slaps me in the face instead of explaining to him that hitting hurts and is not ok and sitting him on the floor.

Which reminds me. Why do people hit kids after they hit someone to tell them that hitting is wrong? I never understood it. And maybe, if nothing else, that will be the reminder in the back of my mind to not smack his hand after he smacks me.

Because I want him to go into life being able to express himself in healthy ways. I've been trying to model healthy expression of feelings to him. I say things to him like "I know you're frustrated, but we don't throw our toys."

But its hard to remember this at 3am. It's even harder to remember it when he's smacked me in the face a bunch of times, and fussed for no reason.

What's not hard to remember though, is that this little guy is my world. The center of my universe. Temper tantrums and all, and I love him no matter what. Face smacking and all.

dreaming of sleeping

The owlet turned 10 months old yesterday. I cannot even fathom this. Time has really flown by. It's so ridiculous. It feels like just the other day he could barely hold his head up, and now he's crawling around with a vengeance and getting in to ev-er-y-thing.

He's also STILL not sleeping through the night. We've been on a new routine where he wakes up at 10:30, 2:30 and 5:30. Everyday. Like clockwork. Babies can't tell time my ass. He sure seems to be able to.

We have been trying something new lately. Thanks to my library job, I checked out a book called "The Sleep Lady's Goodnight, Sleep Tight" book. It's sort of like no cry sleep, without the picking up and gradual settling down. He's 10 months old. He needs to learn how to self-soothe, without cry it out. We're making a little bit of progress. He still woke up 3 times last night, but at least I was able to sing him back to sleep, rather than having to pick him up. Yay!

Last night though, as I was lying in bed, waiting to see if he would stay asleep or start screaming again, slowly falling into sleep, I remembered how it was when he was a teeny tiny little guy, and I would dream that I had fallen asleep holding him or nursing him.

I'd wake up when he cried, and would look around for him, under the blanket, in my arms, sometimes even moving my arms as if he was still lying there.

Ahh, sleep deprivation. It does wonderful things to the mind, doesn't it?

On more than one occasion, I even asked the hubs to reswaddle him, because I had heard him fussing, only for the poor hubs to get out of bed and check on the owlet who was not unswaddled, nor was he crying.

I don't think I imagined way back then that we'd still be having problems with sleeping. That the owlet would still be waking up so often during the night.

The hubs keeps reminding me that we're not alone in this. That there are tons of babies who don't sleep through the night, because if there weren't there wouldn't be all these books about helping kids and toddlers to sleep better.

I like this thought. Especially when I hear that a friend's baby is sleeping through the night at just a week old. (I'm really happy for her, by the way, but seriously?)

One of these days we'll all be sleeping better and all this will be but a distant memory. Something I look back on fondly.

At least I hope so.

sleep. or lack thereof.

image via

How many times have I ranted about this? I don't know. But friends, the owlet? He doesn't sleep. Well, he sleeps. But not well. I feel like we have tried EV-ER-Y-Thing, and nothing works.

No wait. Something DOES work. Him sleeping in bed with me. This is the only way that we get longer than a 2 hour stretch. Yup. Seriously.

My child is almost 8 months old and he still wakes up almost every 2 hours. I feel like I need to be standing up saying that at some sort of AA meeting like place. What would that be? Non-sleepers Anonymous?

So, you may be asking yourself:" what sorts of things have you tried?"

For weeks, (months?) we have been trying various techniques from No Cry Sleep Solution. Typically, we feed him, bathe him, read him a story, feed him and rock him. Sometimes we let him fall asleep in our arms, other times we put him down when he's almost asleep. Then he tosses and turns and bangs his head and rubs his hands all over the crib and fusses like crazy for about 20 minutes (although tonight it was more like 2 flippin hours...) and eventually falls asleep.

For about an hour and a half.

Then we (or I, usually, since the hubs works nights) go in and shush him some more, rub his tummy some more, beg him to go back to sleep some more, until he's screaming his head off and then we rock until he (and I) are falling asleep, and we start the whole process all over again. Sometimes we do this 50 times a night. (or 6.) Sometimes we do this 3 or 4 times with EACH. WAKING.

"Why don't you just shut the door, plug your ears and let him scream his head off for hours and hours until he just blissfully falls asleep? It worked for me." If it worked for you, then I praise you. Because we tried it. For two nights. Two horrible, gut wrenching, traumatizing nights. The fear in my child's face when we went to put him in his crib was not something that I ever want to see again, let alone know that I caused.

"but you just need to do it for 3 nights and then you'll never have a problem again!"

No.

Oh and also, he slept for 2 hours until he woke up again. So the point of him crying was.... 2 hours of sleep? We get that without him screaming himself hoarse, thanks.

So, I don't know what else to do. I know that there could be a million reasons for him not sleeping well. teething. illness. mommy not spending enough time with him. too hot. too cold. wet diaper. But when all the things that CAN be taken care of ARE, and he's STILL not sleeping, what do I do?

I'm honestly getting to the point where I'm going to spend a small fortune asking one of the sleep specialist people what I should do, even though I can read their advice in a book.

I think, in the meantime, that the owlet will just have to come to bed with me in the middle of the night. It beats me falling asleep standing up leaning against his crib.

it is time

Friends, I write this with a heavy heart. But I think it is time to let the owlet....

cry. it. out. at least for a little bit. Because seriously. I cannot get up every hour and a half anymore. I just can't. I don't know if it's teething (because I've thought he's been teething for oh, 5 months.) or if it's separation anxiety. Or if he's just trying to mess with me because he loves seeing a bleary eyed barely functioning mommy all day. (like how he likes to see me pick up his binky that he drops on the floor a million times.) I do know that he CAN sleep through the night. Because he has. For one wonderfully blissful week, he slept from 8-6. All on his own. One morning I actually had to wake him up. And then, this. Back to worse than he was that first week we brought him home. THAT was understandable. THIS is hairpulloutable.

I don't know that I have the strength to do this, mind. Last night I tried to let him CIO. For all of a minute. But then he started shrieking like his life was ending, and seriously. Who can even sleep with that going on? Never mind being worried that my neighbors are going to call the cops on me because I must be committing some horrible crime against my child with the way he's screaming.

When I finally went to him 2 minutes later and decided to change what he was swaddled in, all hell broke loose. I couldn't even put him back down on the bed to reswaddle without being met with those horrific cries.

So, can I do this tonight? Probably early on. The 9:00, 10:30 and 11ish times should be fairly easy. Right? It's the 2:30 or 3:00 ones. Where I am just so. bloody. tired. That I can't stand it anymore and into bed with me he goes.

Who's sleep training who here?

Wish us luck. I could be in for a long night. But then, what else is new?

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UPDATE:

So, we tried. Really hard. He cried. Really hard. For about 20 minutes. The hubs and I sat there on the couch listening to these wails, and we reminded each other that we are not bad parents. That he needs to learn to self-soothe. That he was fed, and dry and clean and safe. And then, he. fell. asleep. For almost 2 hours! (success? I don't know). The hubs shushed him and rocked him and let him fuss a little bit around 10:00, and then, he slept until 3:30! There's my old owlet!

But then, well, then I was just too darn tired and it was too darn late, and in to bed with me he came.

Ahh well. There's always tomorrow.

Learning to sleep

As a new mom, I feel like I am constantly learning new things. Like how to make my owlet laugh. Or how to change his lovely blown-out diaper when we are out and about. How to nurse him in the backseat of the car. All sorts of fun things. My owlet is constantly learning new things too, right now we're in the process of mastering sitting up. He's totally getting the hang of it too. It's awesome to watch.

Something else we're learning is how to sleep on our own. We're starting to try the No Cry Sleep Solutions. My owlet, he is not the best sleeper at night (or at naptime, for that matter. unless he's on me. Then he's king of the nappers.) Anyway. I am not a cry-it-outer. I realize that this is a huge personal decision, you're either a cry it outer, or you're not. I am of the mind that if my child is crying or screaming for any reason, that I should go to him and meet his needs, assuming that I can. I want him to learn that the world is a safe place, not that he has to cry alone in a darkened room for hours before he eventually wears himself out from screaming. But that's just me. I know that there are plenty of other mammas out there who can let their child cry it out. And if it works for you, that's great. I'm not here to offend anyone or try to change anyone's mind. I'm just here to speak to my experiences. Maybe it would be different if the owlet wasn't still sleeping in his pack-n-play in our bedroom, where his cries are that much louder, but I doubt it.

Anyway. No Cry Sleep Solutions is a great book. The author has actually been there. She's dealt with kiddos who no matter what, just won't go to sleep on their own. And she didn't want to let them cry it out, nor did she want to be up every 2 hours for the rest of her kids life. And I don't blame her, because I don't want that either. Who does? As an author she feels very different from the other "experts" out there, because she's been there and done it and has 4 kids who learned to sleep through the night, with love and caring, and without crying for hours on end.

The first part of the No Cry Sleep Solution is creating a log. At first I was a little turned off by this, because do I really want one more thing to deal with in the middle of the night? But here's the thing: I'm up anyway, holding the owlet til he falls back to sleep. Plus I text the hubs everytime he wakes up, so all I had to do was write down when he fell back to sleep, and what he did when he woke up. Easy-peasy. The first night I decided to log, the owlet thought he'd be especially nice and ACTUALLY SLEEP 8 HOURS IN ONE STRETCH! I started to think that maybe we didn't need this book afterall, until I remembered that he actually took nice, long naps that day. The second night was a much better picture of what we go through every night: up every couple of hours, nursing for about 5 minutes each time, falling asleep on my shoulder, back to the back-n-play for another 2-3 hour stretch. Fun. Times.

Tonight we are on night 3 of our new routine with our new sleep associations thrown in. I've been sticking to a more strict bedtime routine of: bathtime, storytime, swaddle and eat. I haven't been letting him fall asleep with my boob in his mouth either, and instead either give him his binky if he's fussing a little, or just let him fall asleep on the boppy (or start to fall asleep. I guess that part's key). I'm also trying to nurse him with a lovey, so that when he put him down he has something comforting. And I'm not trying to hold him til he's in a deeeeep sleep anymore, because let's face it, I was always falling asleep too.

So we try this for 10 days, do another sleep log and evaluate where we're at, and if we need to change anything. Its sort of ironic, but I want to see change NOW, much like the parents whose children I work with expect to see change immediately. I guess the difference is I'm actually trying to make things work whereas they're just expecting me to do it for them. (No, I'm not bitter at all thankyouverymuch).

Anyway. I'm really hoping that at the end of 30, 60, heck even 90 days that we're seeing some sort of progress and that the owlet isn't waking up 7 times in a night. (She makes no promises that change will come quickly, damn her.) I'd honestly settle for once a night. At this point I'd be ok with twice a night, really. Just not every 2 hours anymore.

Hmmm. Maybe my nickname for the lil man shouldn't be a nocturnal creature. I bet if I start calling him something that's awake during the day he'll start sleeping better at night.

Or not.

Houston, We Have a Problem

So said the text to the hubs last night when my little owlet decided that the only place he wanted to sleep was next to me. And when I say next to, I mean ON. What have I done? For the past several weeks we've been co-sleeping, partly because it took him forever to fall asleep after his middle of the night feedings, and I was far too tired to sit there and hold him until he fell in a deep enough sleep, so I started letting him just sleep on me, because at least that way we both got some sleep.

Cut to a week later, and him sleeping on me in the middle of the night has turned into 10:00. He'll go down fine in the pack-n-play in our room for about an hour around 8:00. But then he wakes up SCREAMING like we're murdering him or something. Is he cold? I don't know. Is he hungry? Maybe. Is he annoying the crap out of me? YES. It's also incredibly frustrating because I just don't know what's wrong. So I nurse him and he falls asleep again. Back in the pack-n-play he goes, for another 10 minutes, if we're lucky. By this point the hubs has to leave for work and I'm exhausted and just can't stand it anymore, so into bed with me he goes.

Lately he's been sleeping next to me rather than on me, but he has to be touching me or all hell breaks loose. Seriously. Last night I tried to set him down on the bed NOT touching me and good lord, that kid has a set of lungs on him. I swear one of these days the neighbors are going to call the police, the way that kid screams.

So, what have I done? Have I doomed us to him sleeping with us forever? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love having him next to me, especially since I don't get to see him all day. But I don't love that he totally spazzes in the middle of the night, kicking me in the stomach (thanks Alex, but you did that enough when you were in my belly), grabbing me in the face and generally making it difficult to get a decent night's sleep. I guess really, for now it's the lesser of two evils, because at least when he's in bed with me I get more sleep than I would if I just sat up waiting for him to fall asleep, only to have to get up and hold him 20 minutes later when he realizes he's not with me anymore.

But really, is he going to be 15 and still sleeping in mommy's bed? I'm all for him being securely attached to me, but that might be a little much.

sleepy time

I have recently realized that if the hubs and I continue things as we have been with the little owlet, that he will never be able to fall asleep on his own unless he is being held. This is all fine and good for now, but it will not be the case when he is 14 and still needs to fall asleep with mommy and daddy.

I went out and bought that "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" book when I was still pregnant and vowed to stick to the book's suggestions of putting Alex down "drowsy but awake." The first few weeks went by, and since he was a newborn, I let things slide, because, well, let's face it. I wanted to hold him all the time anyway, so it didn't matter that he always fell asleep in my arms. Plus, I reasoned, he was so little! Fast forward a few weeks, and I started mentioning to the hubs that we really should put him on a sleep schedule, start figuring out a routine because *gasp* I will be going back to work soon and we really should have a routine down before that happens. Guess what? We didn't start a routine.

So now, here we are. Alex will be 7 weeks tomorrow. I return to work in 3 weeks. I tell the parents that I work with that they need to establish a bedtime routine for their kiddos, and that establishing a routine takes time. Tonight is the first night that we have put Alex down when he starts doing the "sleepy eyed thing." Right now he is in his pack-n-play in our bedroom hiccuping away, eyes wide open. All I want to do is go and grab him and rock him and hold him until he falls asleep, or until the hubs comes back in so he can hold him so I can get some sleep myself. Part of me feels like a terrible mom, for not establishing this routine from day one, and a lot of the parenting books/magazines/websites would agree with me. But then they also tell me that you can't spoil a newborn, and that part I believe. I know he needs to "self-soothe" and learn to fall asleep on his own, otherwise we'll have that 14 year old scenario I talked about. But at 7 weeks can he really self-soothe? I guess not if I haven't given him the opportunity to do so, right?

It's amazing how many things can put us in the "bad mommy camp." I hope holding my child until he falls asleep isn't one of them.