Reconnecting

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I've been doing a lot of reading lately, mostly non parenting books, but I did pick up a couple at the library the other day about Positive Discipline, and Disciplining from an Attachment Style. So far I've really been digging The Discipline Book, by Dr. Sears, basically the guru on all things attachment style parenting.

I've always known that I was going to raise the owlet in the attachment style, as a former school based therapist and Naropan, it was really the only thing that made sense. But people and naysayers tried to get me to move away from that, especially when the owlet was still a newborn. People asked me why he wasn't sleeping through the night, and suggested that I tried Cry It Out, which we did, with no success, and with great suffering on my part.

(as a side note, Sears mentions that if you try this, as a last resort, or because it's what's been spouted to you and you feel like it's not for you...then it's not for you. Hmmm. Brilliant.)

Going back to what the hubs and I knew was right for us, although it took quite a bit longer with the owlet, actually worked. The owlet now sleeps from about 6:30pm to about 6:30am. Amazing, right? He also naps in his own crib, which means I can enjoy watching tv or blogging or whatever while he naps, without worrying about being too noisy and tip-toeing around.

What did we do, you ask? We listened to our guts and what we knew was right for our child and our situation. We still sit in his room while he falls asleep, both for naps and for bedtime. We shush him, from across the room, if needed. We let him know that we are there, that we care for him, and that we want him to be happy. If he wakes in the middle of the night, I go in to find out what's wrong. For a couple weeks he was waking up around 3am, like clockwork. For a couple nights, I sat in his room, next to his crib, waiting for him to fall asleep. But I was miserable. I was cold, uncomfortable and just wanted to sleep. So, I gave in and he came to bed with me, and we both slept until about 6ish. I don't know what changed, but he doesn't need that anymore. Maybe it was his way of reconnecting with me. He got his cuddles in, and realized that sleeping by himself was ok, so now he doesn't wake up anymore.

Lately, thanks to the Discipline Book, (and also thanks to getting a good night sleep again), I have been a much happier mommy, and a mommy who is more able to spend time actually enjoying my child. I spend time on the floor with him in the afternoons, letting him know I'm there for him, and there with him, instead of just sitting on the couch, letting him come to me with books.

I've noticed a change in him when I do this. He doesn't need to be told not to touch the tv as much, because he's getting the attention he wants in a good way, instead of in a bad way. He's fun. He smiles more (I didn't even think that was possible, but it is). He seems, calmer, somehow.

This isn't to say that before he was running around like a crazy, knife-weilding toddler. He has always been pretty great. But I've definitely noticed a shift in him. And, in myself. Getting enough sleep, working fewer hours, stressing less, has made me be able to not just run on survival mode anymore.

And it. Feels. Fabulous.

I think I just needed this book to say to me, "hey, you know all that stuff that you know about how to raise a happy, healthy, successful kid? All that stuff you used to tell the parents you worked with that they needed to do? Yeah, you need to do that. Because it's right, and you know it. And you're getting enough sleep now, and you're happier now, so, what's stopping you?"

a day in the life

between 2:00-3:30am-Feed the owlet. Hope that he falls back asleep easily, but when he doesn't, decide to hold him in bed until the next feeding.

between 6:15-6:45-wake up, again, by the crying owlet, who is also kicking me in the stomach because, yup, he fell asleep in bed with me.

7:00-8:00-frantically run around the house changing the owlet, get his diaper bag ready, curse myself for not getting these things done the night before, shower (if lucky) get myself ready, trip over the dog who is under foot and desperate to go outside, curse at him several times, make breakfast, lug the owlet from room to room in his carseat while attempting to do all of the above.

8:05-praise the lord that the hubs has arrived home, who walks the dog. put coat on owlet, and owlet back in car seat. Squeeze Sophie 800 times so the owlet stops crying.

8:15-several kisses and "I love you's" to the owlet and to the hubs, hold back tears as they both leave for the Mother-in-Law's. Give the dog several cookies to keep him from leaving when they leave.

8:16-dash out the door, give the dog more cookies.

8:25- running absurdly late, wait in line at Starbucks for far too long for the coffee I need far too much.

8:40-arrive to work, late, again.

8:45-3:30- work. pretend to work. blog at work. Pump at work, being totally paranoid that someone is going to walk in. Miss the owlet. Hold back tears about missing the owlet. Walk around feeling like I've forgotten something, misplaced something, need to do something. Work and pretend to work some more.

3:30-the kids are leaving school, so, so am I. Pretend not to feel guilty that I'm leaving work at this time. Add all the things that didn't get done today to the to-do list for tomorrow. Keep fingers crossed that the owlet needs to eat when I get home.

3:50-arrive home. the owlet has already eaten/is asleep. Cry. Pump. Hold the owlet so that the hubs can walk the dog.

4:00-soothe the crying owlet. Hand him back to the hubs so that I can store my milk/finish pumping.

4:30-zone out in front of the tv. Play with the owlet. Bitch to the hubs about my day.

5:00-dinner. eat with one hand while trying to soothe/keep the owlet entertained with the other.

5:30-feed the owlet

6:00-owlet's bath time, story time, swaddle time.

6:30-give the owlet back to the hubs so that I can wash the bottles/pump parts. Curse myself for not doing this earlier. Get frustrated at the little amount of time I get to spend with the owlet while he's awake, and that I spend so much of it not actually with him. Do the dishes/start the laundry. (maybe.)

7:00-take the owlet back from the hubs so he can fall asleep. Hold the owlet and hope he falls asleep soon too.

7:30-feed the owlet again, because he's still not asleep. hold him longer.

8:00-finally put the sleeping owlet down. Play DS game/read until eyes no longer stay open. Keep fingers crossed that the owlet stays asleep for longer than an hour

8:30-attempt to get sleep

9:45-hubs up to walk the dog, go to work. Fingers still crossed.

midnight: wake up to screaming owlet. Feed owlet. Stare at owlet as he falls back to sleep and marvel at the fact that I made this little being. Feel immense amount of love. Keep fingers crossed that he stays asleep for longer than an hour.

between 2:00 and 3:30-start all over again.

sleepy time

I have recently realized that if the hubs and I continue things as we have been with the little owlet, that he will never be able to fall asleep on his own unless he is being held. This is all fine and good for now, but it will not be the case when he is 14 and still needs to fall asleep with mommy and daddy.

I went out and bought that "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" book when I was still pregnant and vowed to stick to the book's suggestions of putting Alex down "drowsy but awake." The first few weeks went by, and since he was a newborn, I let things slide, because, well, let's face it. I wanted to hold him all the time anyway, so it didn't matter that he always fell asleep in my arms. Plus, I reasoned, he was so little! Fast forward a few weeks, and I started mentioning to the hubs that we really should put him on a sleep schedule, start figuring out a routine because *gasp* I will be going back to work soon and we really should have a routine down before that happens. Guess what? We didn't start a routine.

So now, here we are. Alex will be 7 weeks tomorrow. I return to work in 3 weeks. I tell the parents that I work with that they need to establish a bedtime routine for their kiddos, and that establishing a routine takes time. Tonight is the first night that we have put Alex down when he starts doing the "sleepy eyed thing." Right now he is in his pack-n-play in our bedroom hiccuping away, eyes wide open. All I want to do is go and grab him and rock him and hold him until he falls asleep, or until the hubs comes back in so he can hold him so I can get some sleep myself. Part of me feels like a terrible mom, for not establishing this routine from day one, and a lot of the parenting books/magazines/websites would agree with me. But then they also tell me that you can't spoil a newborn, and that part I believe. I know he needs to "self-soothe" and learn to fall asleep on his own, otherwise we'll have that 14 year old scenario I talked about. But at 7 weeks can he really self-soothe? I guess not if I haven't given him the opportunity to do so, right?

It's amazing how many things can put us in the "bad mommy camp." I hope holding my child until he falls asleep isn't one of them.

the molding of lives

I was reading another blog the other day (one of my fav's---spilled milk, check it out!) And she posted something about how our babies don't mold to us, we mold to them. This has been sitting with me since late last night, and how true it rings for me, and how friends that don't currently have little ones of their own won't understand until it's their turn. The hubs and I were out with some friends the other night and they asked me about my social life (or current lack thereof). I mentioned that right now my life pretty much revolves around my little owlet. And as much as I would love to have some adult conversation during the day, I wouldn't have it any other way right now. This little man is my whole world, and I would do anything at all for him. My friends also asked about how I spend my day, and I said that I pretty much watch bad television all day, especially when I'm feeding this little guy. They asked me why I didn't try to do something like read a book, and I explained that I can't get too invested in anything, because as soon as I do someone is screaming bloody murder, and I have to drop everything to take care of his needs. And this is how it should be. I mean no disrespect to my friends, but the things I once enjoyed, such as curling up with a good book and a nice big cup of chai, have taken a very, very, very back burner to other things in my life. Not to mention the fact that my hands are usually full with a baby. Heck, the times I try to read a book to HIM are often interrupted with screams. (So far we've gotten through about 5 pages in Winnie-the-Pooh. I'm hoping by the time he's 1 we'll have managed to finish the whole thing. ) And let's be honest, half the time I'm not even able to make myself a decent lunch!

Everyone always says, "having a baby changes everything." And it doesn't change everything, it changes YOU. Physically (I can't fit into anything I wore pre-pregnancy, but that's a post for a different day), mentally and emotionally. I am not the same person I was before I had Alex, I am now a Mom. I worry more, I sleep less, and I love this little being more than I ever thought possible. I can't expect him to fit into my life the way it once was, I have to mold to him. My schedule now revolves around him, I have realized that I will never be on time for anything again, or at least not for the next several years. As much as I would love to finish my dinner, when he's hungry, he comes first. And as much as I would love to kick back and down several margaritas in one sitting, I know that this is also not possible. (sadly). No longer can I stay out until midnight and sleep in the next day. No longer can I run off to the store, because what used to take 5 minutes to get ready, now takes 45.

So, dear friends, I hope you'll continue to hang out with us, even though we will forever be late, and I will have a hard time looking anywhere but at my baby, and my topics of conversation will mostly revolve around how cute he is or how much he's learning and growing. I promise, when it's your turn, I'll understand when you do the same thing.