A letter to my (almost) 2 year old

My dearest not so little owlet:

Its been a while since I've written you a letter, but as we inch fly ever closer to your 2nd birthday, I felt it was time to write to you again.

I cannot believe how much you have grown and changed in the past year. Heck, I can't believe how much you've changed in the past 2 months! You are currently obsessed with cars, trucks and things that go. Your favorite sentence is "fire truck ladder help people buildings." You say it about a million times a day, even when there are no fire trucks to be seen. My favorite sentence that you say is "mama sing twinkle star song?" It was your first 5 word sentence and I couldn't believe that those words came out of your mouth so easily.

We read books everyday, you and I. You and Daddy read them daily too. Its lucky that your Mommy works at the library, because I bring so many different truck books home for you to read. Its because of these that you know that fire trucks have ladders to help people in buildings. It's also nice that Mommy brings home so many books, because some days we read through at least 20, other days we read the same 5 over and over again. Mommy has learned more about trucks than she ever thought possible.

You like to point out little things to me on our walks that you know I'll enjoy. We found moss growing in the crack in the sidewalk in front of our house, and now when we walk you tell me "mama sit down" and we examine the moss. We talk about how it's soft and the rocks are rough, and when you're done your examining, you tell us when it's time to move on. You are so inquisitive and observant!

I still check on you every night before I go to bed, I place my hand on your back to feel you breathing. The amount of love I have for you in that moment is exponential. Every single night I can't get over how lucky I am to have you in my life. The other night while I did that I remembered your very first night in the hospital. I woke up so. many. times to check on you. You were double swaddled because you wouldn't sleep otherwise and when I went to check to see if you were breathing, I couldn't feel your chest move because you took such little breaths and you were swaddled so tight! I was so sleep deprived I called out to your Daddy who reassured me that you were just fine. And you were. Of course.

My little chatterbox, my little truck lover, my little observer, I am so deeply thankful that you came into my life almost 2 years ago. You make my days brighter, my smiles bigger, my sense of joy and wonder deeper.

I love you so very, very much.

love,
Mommy

This is the owlet's newest obsession. We even rented a video from the library all about Trucks. He says "ooOOOoo" in the most excited way, I can't even stand it. In the car, while we're walking, cars, trucks, motorcycles go by and he's all "oooOOOOOooo."

How did I get so lucky?

Reconnecting

via

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, mostly non parenting books, but I did pick up a couple at the library the other day about Positive Discipline, and Disciplining from an Attachment Style. So far I've really been digging The Discipline Book, by Dr. Sears, basically the guru on all things attachment style parenting.

I've always known that I was going to raise the owlet in the attachment style, as a former school based therapist and Naropan, it was really the only thing that made sense. But people and naysayers tried to get me to move away from that, especially when the owlet was still a newborn. People asked me why he wasn't sleeping through the night, and suggested that I tried Cry It Out, which we did, with no success, and with great suffering on my part.

(as a side note, Sears mentions that if you try this, as a last resort, or because it's what's been spouted to you and you feel like it's not for you...then it's not for you. Hmmm. Brilliant.)

Going back to what the hubs and I knew was right for us, although it took quite a bit longer with the owlet, actually worked. The owlet now sleeps from about 6:30pm to about 6:30am. Amazing, right? He also naps in his own crib, which means I can enjoy watching tv or blogging or whatever while he naps, without worrying about being too noisy and tip-toeing around.

What did we do, you ask? We listened to our guts and what we knew was right for our child and our situation. We still sit in his room while he falls asleep, both for naps and for bedtime. We shush him, from across the room, if needed. We let him know that we are there, that we care for him, and that we want him to be happy. If he wakes in the middle of the night, I go in to find out what's wrong. For a couple weeks he was waking up around 3am, like clockwork. For a couple nights, I sat in his room, next to his crib, waiting for him to fall asleep. But I was miserable. I was cold, uncomfortable and just wanted to sleep. So, I gave in and he came to bed with me, and we both slept until about 6ish. I don't know what changed, but he doesn't need that anymore. Maybe it was his way of reconnecting with me. He got his cuddles in, and realized that sleeping by himself was ok, so now he doesn't wake up anymore.

Lately, thanks to the Discipline Book, (and also thanks to getting a good night sleep again), I have been a much happier mommy, and a mommy who is more able to spend time actually enjoying my child. I spend time on the floor with him in the afternoons, letting him know I'm there for him, and there with him, instead of just sitting on the couch, letting him come to me with books.

I've noticed a change in him when I do this. He doesn't need to be told not to touch the tv as much, because he's getting the attention he wants in a good way, instead of in a bad way. He's fun. He smiles more (I didn't even think that was possible, but it is). He seems, calmer, somehow.

This isn't to say that before he was running around like a crazy, knife-weilding toddler. He has always been pretty great. But I've definitely noticed a shift in him. And, in myself. Getting enough sleep, working fewer hours, stressing less, has made me be able to not just run on survival mode anymore.

And it. Feels. Fabulous.

I think I just needed this book to say to me, "hey, you know all that stuff that you know about how to raise a happy, healthy, successful kid? All that stuff you used to tell the parents you worked with that they needed to do? Yeah, you need to do that. Because it's right, and you know it. And you're getting enough sleep now, and you're happier now, so, what's stopping you?"

Happy 9 Months, Owlet!

My dearest owlet,

You turned 9 months old today. It is hard to believe how fast time has flown. I know I say that every month (and then I say that every month), but its totally true. You are growing up so. darn. fast!

Just a few short months ago you were just a wee little thing, barely even able to sit up on your own, let alone crawl.

look at how small you were! And how different!

But slowly, you started to grow and change. You started sitting up on your own, and got better with tummy time. Then you started rolling around everywhere you went.

And now, look out world, because you are crawling with a vengeance. It took you a while to get there, but once you got it boy, you got it. Within just a couple days of learning to crawl, you also learned how to move from a sit to a crawl, and mommy's life will really never be the same.

Of course I knew it would never be the same when you entered my world 9 months ago. It has been such an amazing journey so far, little owlet, and I look forward to the journey still yet to come. You are such an incredible little boy, and I love watching the little boy you are becoming. You are constantly exploring your world, even the things that we don't always want you to explore, like the cable box or the dog's water bowl.

But you're learning and growing every day, owlet. You are so fun, and I am so glad that you are in my life.


Happy 9 months birthday, my little man. I love you.

Love,
Mommy

In the dark of the night

His cry pierces the night and wakes me from my slumber. I lie in bed and wait to see if it's a sleep cry or if he actually needs me.

It turns into a real cry, so up I get and in I go, to soothe him and help him fall back to sleep.

In the dim of the nightlight, rocking him back and forth, his eyes find mine, and he smiles ever so slightly. He is comforted in knowing that I am there.

As we rock, his lullabies slowly lull me to sleep, while he grabs everything he can, tapping me on the chest, fighting falling back to sleep.

Slowly, he rubs his eyes and yawns, and I know that sleep is coming.

He tucks his head into the crook of my arm and sighs his sleepy sigh.

I wait, knowing that moving him too soon will mean we will start the whole process over again.

So I watch him, loving this moment. Knowing that before too long, he won't need me to fall asleep, he won't need me to rock him. He won't fit so easily on my lap in our rocking chair.

As much as I hate being woken in the night, I love these little moments. Where it's just him and me, cuddling on the chair, waiting for sleep.

And the next time he wakes me from my precious sleep, I will remember how much I love these moments, and how they will be gone far too quickly.

Sometimes

Sometimes my owlet makes me want to cry and pull my hair out, especially when he won't stop crying, or go to sleep.

Sometimes my owlet makes me want to hide under a table while he screams his lungs out in a croweded restaraunt.

Sometimes all I want to do is make him laugh, just so I can see that smile and hear that wonderful giggle.

Sometimes I want nothing more than to spend all day everyday playing with him and watching him grow.

Sometimes my owlet is frustrating to no end, wiggling everywhere when I'm trying to change him/nurse him/put him to sleep.

Sometimes I get frustrated when he just won't let himself fall asleep or settle down for a nap.

And sometimes I sit in amazement, my heart bursting with love for this wonderful little being who will get to call me "Mom."

what I like about you

I had a really tough session with a parent today. It took her a really long time to come up with things that she enjoyed and loved about her child. It was a little bit heartbreaking, really, to sit there with her as she struggled to name things that she loved. I know our kids do things sometimes that just make us want to pull our hair out (and mine's only 5 months old!) but I also know that as parents we love our little ones unconditionally.

So, partly in honor of Valentine's Day, partly in honor of the fact that the Owlet turned 5 months old on Friday, and partly saddned (and then inspired) by that mom today, here are things I love about the owlet, in no particular order.



I love his smile.
I love that he smiles when he sees me walk in the door.
I love that he babbles.
I love that he tries to grab the spoon as I'm feeding him.
I love that he splashes in the tub duirng bath time.
I love that he's learning to roll over.
I love that he loves to cuddle.
I love that he never takes his eyes off me when I'm changing his diaper.
I love that he's learning to explore his world more.
I love the way he laughs at the dog.
I love his laugh.
I love his sighs as he falls asleep at night.
I love that he sleeps with a little winnie-the-pooh.
I love when he blows raspberries.
I love when he plays with his dad.
I love that he loves story time, usually.
I love that he constantly kicks his legs when I put him on the changing table.
I love how happy and wiggly he is.

And, as much as I want him to stay little forever, I love that he's constantly growing, changing and discovering new things.

The little things

I've been a Negative Nancy lately, what with all my posts about feeling burnt out and angry. I know it's par for the course of being a working mom and trying to balance a job that I no longer want with a family. But I took a much needed personal day the other day and had time to refill my energy/happiness battery. It felt wonderful to spend the day with the hubs and the owlet. I went to mommies group. We went out to brunch. I did things for me. It was great. Til I went back to work and almost immediately felt my battery be drained.



I really wanted to keep that positive energy going, at least for a day. I feel crappy when all I think all day are crappy thoughts. So today, I'm bringing some positivity to work. These are the things that are making me smile today.

1.

This is my new wallpaper on my desktop at work. How can anyone NOT smile seeing that gorgeous face and that adorable smile? Seriously. If that doesn't brighten your day than you are the grinchiest grinch.

2. The hubs got free tickets to Universal Studios. Which means: WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER. For those of you who don't know me, I am a Harry Potter freak. Like, for real. I don't take it so far as to wear Hogwarts robes as my daily wardrobe (partly because I don't have any) but I've read the books like a gajillion times and will happily talk your ear off about the ins and outs of the books and all the things they got wrong in the movies. I am so totally stoked about this that I actually used the word stoked. There is nothing planned of course, because I only found out about it at 2:00 this morning, but yeah. The mere thought of planning a vacation makes my heart happy.

3. The owlet is learning to sit up on his own. He rolled from back to tummy the other day. He is growing up so much, and I love to watch him learn and discover new things. So, when things get me down, I look at my desktop and think about that smiling face that's going to be waiting for me when I get home and all the fun we're going to have together tonight and this weekend. (I try not to think about all the fun he's having while I'm not with him, because that just brings me down, and that's not what we're focusing on today.)

4. I have an incredibly loving and supportive husband, who knew that telling me about Universal Studios would brighten my crappy night (the owlet was up every hour and a half last night. ugh.), and who loves me even when I am completely and utterly insane and do nothing but complain about my job.

5.

The greatest gift of all

With Christmas just a few days away, I am stopping tonight to reflect amidst the hustle and bustle of the rush up to Christmas on the greatest gift that I could ever have hoped for: my Alexander. It's crazy to think that this time last year I was doubting that we would ever have such joy in our lives, after trying unsuccessfully for many, many months to get pregnant. (Little did I know that the little owlet was actually already brewing in my belly!)

At a mere 3 months and 1 week old, there are times he frustrates me; times I want to just sit there and cry with him (and times that I have done just that) and times that I want to just let him cry it out because I can't believe he's crying again already after I just put him down to sleep. (You don't have to tell me that it only gets worse/harder/more frustrating from here. I already know.) But more often than not, Alexander is a wonderful, loving, happy little guy, who makes me happy just being around him.

I've started doing this thing in the middle of the night when I'm frustrated that he's woken me up already. I find the little things that he does that are so endearing, and I hold on to those. Like the way his hands move constantly but ever so gently as he eats. Or the way he stretches just like me. Or the times he stops eating and smiles at me for just a second. These tiny little things help that frustration melt away. Because really, how could they not?

I'm really trying every day to hold on to these tiny little moments: the way he coos and talks to himself in the car, the way he talks to us in his high chair at the dinner table, our bedtime rituals, the way he studies his hands for hours. These things are the greatest gift to me right now, because Alexander is the greatest gift I could have ever hoped for.

I know its a few days early, but Merry Christmas my little owlet. I can't wait to enjoy our first Christmas together.

pain and joy

Alexander James has arrived, after much anticipation, and a very long and hard labor. 24 hours of long, hard labor to be exact. After 2 hours of pushing, it was determined that that monster head of his was stuck, so they had to do a c-section. I have never had surgery before, ever, other than some stitches when I was like, 5, but that doesn't count, so needless to say I was pretty freaked out when the doctor said I would need one. I'm glad that in a way I had planned for this in my mind, since my idea of a "perfect birth" was slowly starting to unravel at the word "induction." Seems my little man was quite cozy in his little home in my tummy and didn't want to come out, and the longer he stayed in there, the more the frustration, anticipation and anxiety I felt. The doctors and I talked about induction, they went back and forth on when to do it, leaving me hanging and more frustrated and anxious, they didn't want to induce too soon and have it end up in a c-section (oh the irony). So, the birth plan, that I had worked so hard on went out the window, as did my idea of a natural labor, since I knew that there was no way with the pitocin that I would be able to do my relaxation techniques that Phil and I had practiced and planned for, especially since I was strapped to the bed with an IV. Poor Phil, the man probably saw more in those 24 hours than he ever thought he'd see, but he is an amazing man and was incredibly supportive the entire time (and continues to be now that we're home.) But of course, it was all worth it. The fact that I couldn't get out of bed for a solid 48 hours, that I couldn't eat anything for 36 hours, and when I did it was lemon jello, the fact that my feet were swollen like marshmallows for days was all worth it when I saw that precious face. I shook for an hour after the surgery, feeling like I would never stop shaking, but when they brought my little one over to me, my body was calmer, and I couldn't believe that he was here, finally here, and finally in my arms.

And now that we're home, and slowly settling in to our routine (he sleeps all day, eats and poops, and then does it some more) I love this little man more and more and more. Every day he surprises me with something new, whether its a smile in his sleep or his grasping my hands when he's nursing or his contented little "ahhh's" when he's finished eating, I am so blessed that this little man is now in our lives, all of the little joys that he brings me numerous times a day is worth all the pain that I endured during labor. Although, if he wants to make it up to me, he could start sleeping a little more in between his nightly feedings.