Becoming a happy mother, part 2

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I had to return 10 Habits of Happy Mothers to the library the other day, even though I hadn't read every chapter. Oh well. I read the chapters that seemed relevant to me, and skipped the rest.

One of the chapters that I did manage to find time to read was about Fear.

Ahh, fear. My constant companion now that I have a child. Fear creeps into my house more often than I would like to admit, and I don't always know how to make him go away. He usually creeps in slowly, as a brief passing thought, and then suddenly I can't sleep, my heart is pounding and my brain is full of "what-if's."

What this chapter said was that often times our fears for our children, such as something terrible happening to them often stem from the fact that there is so much that is simply out of our control, and we don't like this.

Um, hi. Yeah. That right there? That's me. There are two things that I really am not comfortable with. Not knowing, and feeling like I'm not in control. Looks like fear is here to stay.

Except that she talks about how when we understand that this is where the fear is coming from, and then let go of it, it doesn't bother us as much anymore. (maybe.)

The author gave the example of a parent's worry that their child will contract some life threatening illness, like Leukemia. If we really sit back and think about it, this is a pretty rare illness. The odds are in my favor that my child will NOT get leukemia. (phew. of course, half the parenting books out there would lead you to believe that while you're pregnant anything and everything is going to go wrong, and that even more will go wrong once that little bundle of joy is out in the world, but whatevs.)

It's our job as mothers to worry. If there was a job description, I'm sure that would be #4, after feed, clothe and love your child.

Actually, I'd love to see that job description.

So, I'm trying a new thing. I'm trying to let go of some of the control. Well, I'm trying to be comfortable with the fact that I can't control everything. I can sure as heck control SOMEthings though. I can keep him as safe as I can, baby-proof, teach him things that are safe and things that are not, and I guess, the rest is...

out of my control.

(shudder)

Happy Fathers Day

Dear Hubs,
You are an amazing father. I love watching you play with the owlet. (Most of the time. Sometimes I think you're just trying to give me a heart attack, but whatevs. He seems to like it.)

From day one, I knew you'd be great with him. I mean, just look at how proud you are!

You light up whenever you see our son, and he does the same around you.

You deal with poopy diapers and screaming tantrums in the restaurant.

You wipe his tears and make him laugh.

I know that the fun (and the challenges) are just beginning, but I also know that you will continue to be incredible. Not just to him, but to me as well.


Happy Father's Day to one of the greatest Dads I know.

Becoming a happy mother

I checked a book out at the library the other day (one of the perks of working there is that I get to see allllll the new books come in) called The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers.

So far, I've only read the first few chapters, but it has really changed my way of thinking.

The first chapter talks all about how important we are as mothers, and how valuable we are, even if we don't think we're very valuable/worthwhile/whatever. At the end of each chapter the author provides some suggestions about how to put into practice whatever she talked about in the chapter, and one of the suggestions at the end of this chapter was to write a list about all the things that you are good at, or whatever.

Basically anything that you are proud of or that makes you feel good about yourself.

I really tried to take this to heart, and while I didn't actually make a physical list, because seriously, who has time for that? I did think about one thing that I really like about myself and that is that I do what I need to do for myself, even if it takes some time.

For example, when I was in graduate school studying Wilderness Therapy, I realized a year and a half in that this was not what I wanted to be doing. I LOVE the wilderness. I love the feeling that I get being out there, and I wanted to bring that same joy and healing to others. Except, I started to hate it. To despise being out there. So, I switched. And I studied straight up Transpersonal Counseling instead.

And, more recently, I made the incredibly difficult transition away from being a full time school based therapist, to a part time shelver in a library so that I could be a more present, less stressed mommy to my owlet. It took me forever, but it was a wonderful decision.

The other chapter that has really affected me is the chapter on not being so competitive/judgmental with other mothers. And we are ALL guilty of this. Even when we judge other moms on the way they are dressed, either to make ourselves feel better, or, as is often the case, make ourselves feel worse, we are judging others.

And it needs to stop.

We're all doing the best damn job we can, aren't we? (well. most of us.) <---another judgement.

But seriously. All of our kids are going to hit their milestones at different times. Some will be talking before their first birthdays, others will be running and jumping and climbing first. Its not a competition. And when we compete or judge others, we just end up losing. Because we either end up feeling like crap for what we're not doing, or we end up feeling like crap because we come to the realization that we were totally being all judgy mcjudgerson just to make ourselves feel better.

So the next time I ask you about your kid and how they're doing, I'm asking because I really want to know, not because I'm going to tell you how much better my son is doing than yours.

And when you tell me that your kid has been sleeping through the night since they were a week old, I'm not going to secretly want to smack you, because I have learned how to function on next to no sleep, so there.

Happy 9 Months, Owlet!

My dearest owlet,

You turned 9 months old today. It is hard to believe how fast time has flown. I know I say that every month (and then I say that every month), but its totally true. You are growing up so. darn. fast!

Just a few short months ago you were just a wee little thing, barely even able to sit up on your own, let alone crawl.

look at how small you were! And how different!

But slowly, you started to grow and change. You started sitting up on your own, and got better with tummy time. Then you started rolling around everywhere you went.

And now, look out world, because you are crawling with a vengeance. It took you a while to get there, but once you got it boy, you got it. Within just a couple days of learning to crawl, you also learned how to move from a sit to a crawl, and mommy's life will really never be the same.

Of course I knew it would never be the same when you entered my world 9 months ago. It has been such an amazing journey so far, little owlet, and I look forward to the journey still yet to come. You are such an incredible little boy, and I love watching the little boy you are becoming. You are constantly exploring your world, even the things that we don't always want you to explore, like the cable box or the dog's water bowl.

But you're learning and growing every day, owlet. You are so fun, and I am so glad that you are in my life.


Happy 9 months birthday, my little man. I love you.

Love,
Mommy

the new normal

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I have not had a full night's sleep since I was probably about 4 months pregnant. Considering that the owlet is almost 9 months old, this mean that I have not had a full night's sleep in over a year. A friggin year.

I have decided that normal people cannot say that they are "exhausted" because they do not know the meaning of the word. Sorry, college student co-worker, your staying up too late one night watching a movie does not give you the right to complain about how tired you are. Because you have no. idea. how tired I am.

But that's just the thing. I am so tired, that I don't know anything else. I don't know what its like anymore to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and well rested. I don't know that I will ever again know what that is like, to be honest.

And yes, I nap when he naps, when I'm home with him. When I'm at work, however, I can't really nap, can I?

It's sort of amazing what you get used to when it's all you know. It's like when I worked with kiddos in therapy. They got so used to things being the way that they were, they didn't know they could be any other way. That doesn't make sense, does it? Who cares, I'm too tired.

The funny thing is, despite my extreme exhaustion, I don't go to bed at 7:00 when the owlet does. Not anymore, anyway. I did, for a couple months. But I was almost more frustrated when he woke up after just a couple hours. Now I go to bed a little later and somehow am less frustrated, even though I've only gotten about an hour of sleep.

Despite my extreme never ending exhaustion being my new normal, I'd really like to get back to what other people get to experience. I'd like to only be woken up once a night, and then only briefly. I'd rather not continue this trend of waking up 5 or 6 times a night anymore.

Otherwise the owlet's normal is going to be a very frustrated and snarky mommy, with bags under her eyes big enough to carry enough for a month long trip to Europe.

Saying good-bye

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Today was the last day of school at the school in which I have worked for the last 4 years. It is not my last day, though, not yet. That day comes in exactly one week.

I think because I have been so stressed about having two jobs and trying to finish up this job as quickly as possible, I have not given space to the fact that I am actually. leaving. this. job.

A job I have at once loved and hated, loathed and despised, felt good at and horrible at.

A job I have been comfortable with and completely out of my comfort zone with.

A job where, when I sit and really look carefully, I have been able to make a difference in a lot of kids lives. I have seen kids grow and change, and make positive changes in their lives, in spite of their sometimes terrible parents or home situations.

A job that maybe, someday, I will return to, just hopefully in a slightly different capacity.

I have always loved helping people. When it was time for me to go out and find a new job (in my mom's opinion, anyway. I would have been more than happy lounging around the house doing nothing for another summer, but whatevs.) I decided to go and be a candy striper at the hospital. "Not really the kind of job I was talking about, darling daughter," she said to me. Except maybe without the darling daughter part.

It's just always been in my nature to help others. And I really do think that in this job, I did help others. But sometimes, and especially recently, it just. got. too. damn. hard.

Partly because I'm now a mom, and I couldn't listen to kids tell me stories about how terrible they had it, because it made me want to get up and leave and run home to my owlet and tell him that he would never have it the way that these kids have it.

And also because I wanted to spend more time with the owlet. You might remember many a post where I wailed about working full time and wanting to spend more time with him. I think there was a post or two about it. heh.

There may have also been a post or two about how burnt out I was, and that was a large part too of why it got to be too hard. But really it was all those things rolled into one.

And now, I got my wish. I found a job where I can work part time, and get to spend more time with the owlet. It doesn't pay well, but right now I don't really care that much. I'm just hoping for the best, and that things will work out.

And that I will win the lottery.

In the meantime, I'll miss the kids I worked with. The sounds of screaming and laughter coming from the cafeteria. The faces of the teachers and the staff, the camaraderie of my fellow school based therapists. I won't miss the long hours, the never ending paperwork, and the trying to please too many different systems, however.

Now I get to focus on my little owlet. And winning the lottery.

the shortest fuse

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Apparently I do not do well on no sleep. As you might have seen from my earlier post, I become snarky and sarcastic. A Gilmore Girls fan may call me snarkastic. This might get a brief chuckle from me, however, I will almost immediately go back to wanting to smack people with sandwiches.

Correction, I will go back to wanting to smack my husband with a sandwich.

Seems like no matter what he says, the hubs is getting the brunt of the short fuse-ness that I've got going on right now.

"How did I beat you home?" turns into me wanting to cry and yell at him. (Wait, wanting to? That's a stretch. I did practically cry and I certainly yelled: "because I have to carry in 60 pounds of stuff between all these bags and the owlet in his car seat!" Or something along those lines.)

This is one of the many ridiculous things that have sent me into a tizzy today. The owlet not going to sleep fast enough. The fact that I have to wash his bowls out and my pump parts. Not having enough time in the day to get everything done that needs to get done.

I think on top of not getting enough sleep is the fact that the owlet is either teething or sick or both. And I feel utterly helpless about this, because if he's NOT teething than I don't want to give him something for teething pain.

And if he IS teething, then I officially hate teething, because it sucks.

Also, I am totally stressed out about finishing my job in less than 2 weeks. I am completely behind and beginning to worry that I made a huge mistake in taking a lesser paying, lesser hours job.

And, to top it off, I can't talk to the hubs about it because he sleeps in the evening before he has go to work, which means that: a) I get stressed thinking about ANOTHER sleepless night, up a trillion times with the owlet and b) I get stressed because I don't want him to work nights anymore so that I don't have to do this by myself anymore but I can't very well tell him to go back to working days when I just took a lesser paying job. (see above.)

So, this whole wanting to slap people with sandwiches sort of makes sense.

Now, where'd I put that glass of wine?