Saturday, August 21, 2010

sitting with not knowing

Not knowing is one of my least favorite things in the whole world. Ok, I'm sure there's plenty of other things out there that I hate more, but right now, 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant, with no sign of when baby Alexander will make debut into the world, the thing I hate most is not knowing. I've never really been ok with sitting with not knowing, just ask my supervisor, or my husband, but I especially hate it when it comes to this being I'm carrying around in my belly.

I've struggled with a lot of not knowing since the beginning of this pregnancy, before it, really, when we were trying to conceive for months. (and months and months!) I never knew when (or if) it was going to happen, and then when it did (finally!) was the sitting with not knowing of what we were having! All of that has seemed so minimal compared to this not knowing. Of course, I say that now, at the time not knowing if we were even able to get pregnant was a pretty huge thing. But now it's become this, like, thing. Like, everyone tells you that you should have everything ready to go by 37 weeks, "just in case." Well 37 weeks has come and gone, and everything's ready, except for Alex, it seems. Plus there's this whole thing of continuing to make sure the house is clean, and the fridge and freezer stocked "just in case." But WHEN are we supposed to do this? I had a major cleaning fest last weekend, and thought FOR SURE that Alexander would be making his world debut a few days after that, but nope. Nothing. Not a peep. It's hard to know when to get all of these things done so that you're "fully prepared," when no one in the world can predict when this little guy will make his entrance. Well, they could, if I was one of the millions (thousands?) of women who decides to schedule a c-section, even when it's not needed. (Of course if a c-section is needed, then I'm all for those women who have to schedule it, but don't get me started on the other ones.) It's also hard to know what all these things I keep feeling actually ARE. Is that weird pang a sign? Nope, it didn't stay long enough to start timing. Grrr. What about that weird cramp like feeling and that pain in my lower back? Nope, it went away and hasn't come back. Great. What exactly am I supposed to be feeling? Well, since it's different for every woman, it may feel like x or it may feel like y or because I'm me, it may feel like g.

I keep telling myself "he'll come when he comes, when he's ready," and as true as I know that is, he's getting rather heavy and uncomfortable to carry around inside my ever expanding belly. And it doesn't help when people I see everyday comment that I still haven't had him yet. Why, again, do people feel that they can say whatever they want to a pregnant lady? OF COURSE he hasn't come yet. OF COURSE I'm hot and uncomfortable and just want him out here already! Either say something sympathetic or helpful, (which, by the way, does not include a. your terrible labor stories or b. the fact that YOU delivered close to 2 weeks late (and then had a terrible labor), or the flip side of that, that you had your baby 2 weeks early or c. that most women don't deliver on their due dates and in fact that most white women with a private physician tend to deliver at 41weeks1day. ) or don't say anything at all. Please. Spare me your inane thoughts about my pregnancy.

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