I have been rolling quite the boulder around in my head for the past several days. Weeks? An extended amount of time, at least. I can't even roll it quickly, let it toss around up there, because it is just so big. So monumental. So....potentially, life changing.
Well, that's a little dramatic, isn't it?
You might have noticed that my posts recently have been a little bit...depressing. Because, well, I have been a little bit upset.
For some reason it has become harder and harder to leave the owlet everyday. And not just the days that I leave him with someone other than the hubs. Its hard on those days too. Maybe its because he's so fun right now. Maybe its because I don't like giving up control to other people. Maybe its that I see all these mommies at the library with their playgroups and their music classes and story times and I just feel jealous. Whatever it is, it's been eating away at me.
I finally sat down and talked with the hubs the other day as we took a nice long walk around the lake with the owlet, toddling along ahead of us, picking up every single stick he saw.
We talked about the possibility of me being a SAHM. How it would be hard at first, financially, but how we could make it work. (It's not like I'm really bringing in all that much right now, but is it enough that we can't get by without it?) We talked about what it would be like for me, home alone with the owlet, all day, everyday. But we also talked about how it wouldn't be forever. How this would give me the opportunity to do the groups for new mommies to process their birth stories. How this might even give the hubs time to work on what he wants to do with comics.
So many possibilities, with so many questions. So many unknowns. So much...scariness.
And so, the boulder still rolls about up there, in the old noggin. Giving me quite the headache, and not giving me any answers.