Wednesday, November 24, 2010


I feel like a failure today. I'm sure its the first of many times that I'll feel like I've failed my child, but as its the first, it feels pretty stinkin' bad. My owlet has been awake for close to 4 straight hours tonight. This after almost zero naps today. All of his "naps" were more like nap-lettes. Tiny little 20 minute things that couldn't even be called catnaps. I don't know what's going on with him, which is another reason I feel like a failure. He might be teething. He might be fighting off a cold. He might be going through a growth spurt. I have no idea. All I know is that in 4 hours I have not been able to soothe him to sleep. I have done everything. I've fed him, changed him, shushed him, rocked him, sung to him, "flipped" him, completely undressed him and tried to do skin to skin, let him suck on my finger, let him suck on a pacifier. The hubs took him for a long ride in the car, then put him on top of the dryer in his car seat to rock him to sleep, I guess. He walked him around the house rocking him and shushing him. And what put him to sleep? That last little thing.

I'm not going to lie. I want to be the one to meet my owlet's every need. Is it great that the hubs finally got him to sleep? Of course. Do I feel like it should have been me to finally lull my precious one to sleep? You betcha. I feel like I failed my son. I couldn't do whatever it was that he needed done. Some tiny little thing, out of all the things we did tonight, and he's finally asleep. Although he's been "finally asleep" several times tonight, all of which lasted about 10 minutes.

I think part of my frustration comes from worry. Worry that something's wrong with Alex. Worry that as a first time mom, I'm going to mess something up. Worry about how I'm supposed to do this tomorrow night when the hubs is back to work and I'm here by myself with a screaming baby.

I learned tonight that I cannot just let him cry it out. The sound of him screaming from his crib makes me sick to my stomach. I want to do everything I can to make him stop, to soothe him.

Except, apparently, sometimes, there's nothing I can do.

No comments:

Post a Comment