The greatest gift of all

With Christmas just a few days away, I am stopping tonight to reflect amidst the hustle and bustle of the rush up to Christmas on the greatest gift that I could ever have hoped for: my Alexander. It's crazy to think that this time last year I was doubting that we would ever have such joy in our lives, after trying unsuccessfully for many, many months to get pregnant. (Little did I know that the little owlet was actually already brewing in my belly!)

At a mere 3 months and 1 week old, there are times he frustrates me; times I want to just sit there and cry with him (and times that I have done just that) and times that I want to just let him cry it out because I can't believe he's crying again already after I just put him down to sleep. (You don't have to tell me that it only gets worse/harder/more frustrating from here. I already know.) But more often than not, Alexander is a wonderful, loving, happy little guy, who makes me happy just being around him.

I've started doing this thing in the middle of the night when I'm frustrated that he's woken me up already. I find the little things that he does that are so endearing, and I hold on to those. Like the way his hands move constantly but ever so gently as he eats. Or the way he stretches just like me. Or the times he stops eating and smiles at me for just a second. These tiny little things help that frustration melt away. Because really, how could they not?

I'm really trying every day to hold on to these tiny little moments: the way he coos and talks to himself in the car, the way he talks to us in his high chair at the dinner table, our bedtime rituals, the way he studies his hands for hours. These things are the greatest gift to me right now, because Alexander is the greatest gift I could have ever hoped for.

I know its a few days early, but Merry Christmas my little owlet. I can't wait to enjoy our first Christmas together.

A letter to working mammas

Dear Working Moms (and SAHMs too!),
We need to talk. Why is it that we don't talk to each other about how difficult going back to work is? I mean sure we blog about it, but we don't talk to one another about it. It seems like we're all just going about our days, miserable and missing our babies, but we never say to other working moms, "you know what? This sucks and I wish I didn't have to be back at work but I do. How are you making it work for you so that you don't cry all day?" Or is that just me? I know it's not, because I know there's plenty of other bloggin mammas out there who talk about the same thing. A friend of mine who aso is a new, working mom equated leaving her little one to go to work like "heading to the airport to catch a flight knowing you left a whole bunch of appliances on. It's not so much sadness as it is anxiety provoking." We need to have more copnversations like this.

I'm sure for most, if not all of us, going back to work after having a little one sucks. Maybe it sucks less for people who love their jobs and don't have to listen to kids tell them horrible stories about their lives that make them want to run home and pick up their little owlets and never let them go. Ok, that's probably just me. But seriously. As working moms I don't feel like we have a role model. Someone that we can aim to be like, who's doing the 9-5 gig and seamlessly transitioning to being a mommy at night. Maybe we don't have a role model because there just isn't anyone like that. Or there are people like that but they also feel like they don't know how to make this all work.

Last night I saw my owlet for a total of an hour while he was awake. An hour. Not cool. He also woke up like 6 times last night too, probably because he missed me as much as I missed him. I just don't know how I'm supposed to make everything work. Something's gotta give, and it's not going to be being a mommy. I've only been back at work for 3 weeks and I find myself coming in late and leaving early. I no longer linger after team meetings to chit-chat with people and catch up, I'd much rather book it to my car so that I can get home to my guys.

I guess the only role model I have for being a working mom is my own mother, who worked the swing shift while I was a wee one, and the day shift once I started going to school. My mom was a single mom doing the best she could so that she could give me the best life possible. But she never told me how difficult it was for her to leave me with a sitter everyday. Other than it was a sacrifice she had to make in order to make things work. We need to talk about this too, mammas, about how hard it is to leave our little ones in the care of someone else, especially when they are so small and when we feel like no one else is going to care for them like we do.

Don't get me wrong, my mother in law is wonderful and caring and I'm sure she loves my little owlet as much as she loves her own children. But that doesn't make dropping him off with her any easier. People think it is, but it's not. Because he's not with me. Sure there's times when he screams for hours on end and I'd love nothing more than to hand him off to someone so that I can drink an enormous glass of wine while taking a bubble bath, but that's only for a couple hours. Once I'd calmed down, I'd want him back. And not just at the end of a long, tiring day of work.

So working moms and SAHMs, how do you make it work? I'm including you SAHMs too, because I'm sure there's days that you miss being at work. Days where the kids won't nap and you haven't gotten anything done and you wish for a minute or two that you could drop them off with someone and just go be by yourself or with friends (sans kids) for a few hours. I know the grass isn't always greener, that sometimes we want to be on the other side of the fence, but I think we forget what it looks like over there too.

Let's talk!

Happy 3 Months Alexander! (2 days late)

Alex turned 3 months the other day. I do not know where the time has gone. It quickly slipped away, I guess, during moments spent cuddling on the couch and snuggling in bed.

At 3 months Alex can:

-Support his head all on his own, although it is a little wobbly sometimes

-Roll over from tummy to back

-Push himself way up on his arms while on his tummy

-"talk" non-stop

Right now he loves:

-the ceiling light

-his animals mobile

-his hands

-sleeping on mommy

He does not like:

-naps

-his blue hat

-sleeping through the night

Happy Three Months Little Man! I love watching you grow and change and explore your world!

Love, Mommy

Cherish is the word I use to describe...

My little man is growing up so fast, and soon he won't be so little anymore. He'll be 3 whole months in just a few short days! He's already holding his head up like a real person now, and while it still has some of that bobble head effect, it's amazing to see how long he can hold it up and look all around.

He's totally noticing more things now too. He's still fascinated by his best friend the ceiling light though, and his next best friend appears to be the ceiling fan at his Grandma's house, but he's totally checking out his world more and more. Oh and his hands! Man, he sits and talks to his hands all morning. It is seriously the cutest thing ever, him just cooing away at his hands with drool pouring out of his mouth.

I am trying desperately to burn all of these tiny little moments into my memory. To cherish each little thing, like the way his head rests on my shoulder, and his tiny little contented sighs right before he falls asleep. Or his little legs kicking like crazy when we put him down on the changing table. And his baby smell. The way he sleeps on my shoulder with his mouth hanging open. Because I am coming to realize, that all too soon he will be crashing through our house, crawling onto and falling off of things and I will want to pull out my hair, while also trying desperately to remember all of those moments before he's off accomplishing some other amazing thing.

So tonight, as I rocked him and read him his bedtime story, I lingered just a little bit longer with him, studied his tiny little peach fuzz covered head, and burned another Baby Alex memory into my brain.

First week down, a trillion more to go

I survived my first week back to work. Sort of. Well, of course I survived, since I'm still here, but man. It. Was. Hard. Thank heaven my MIL was willing to bring my owlet to me a few days during the week so that I could feed him during my lunch, and I was able to go to him a few other days for the same thing. But leaving him twice in one day instead of just once? Sucky. Is it more sucky that not seeing him all day? I don't know yet. Next week I won't be so lucky. Full days seeing clients. Blech.

I am desperately trying to find something else. Something that might allow me to work part time. Or to take Alex with me to work. Or to never have to work again. Ha. Wouldn't that be grand? I'm still waiting on that lotto money folks, so any time now you can send it my way, kay?

In the mean time, I guess I'll just keep plugging away at this job that I'm completely burned out on so that I can sort of help provide for my family. Have I mentioned the fact that the hubs watches tv for a living and gets paid like, twice as much as I do? OK, maybe that's an exaggeration of sorts, but still. And yes he does more than just watch tv, but it's the principle of the thing. I'm trying to change kids lives here, and he's watching television at all hours of the night. To be fair, there's nothing on tv late at night, so I guess some of his pay comes from the fact that he has to work ungodly hours when there's nothing on except bad movies and infomercials. Believe me, I know. I tend to be up with lil man at ungodly hours waiting desperately for him to fall back to sleep.

I think that's been one of the harder things about going back to work: waking up on time. When I was on that glorious maternity leave, I could sleep all day, or when Alex let me sleep. If he woke up at 5am to eat, no worries if he didn't fall back asleep until 7:00, I could just snooze with him on my chest. NOW when he wakes up at 5:00, I might as well just stay up, because my alarm is going off by the time I get him back to sleep anyway. I'll admit there have been quite a few days where I have been running insanely late, but oh well. I guess it all comes from being a mom. The nice thing is that no one is really here to keep tabs on me other than myself, so if I'm a smidge late here and there, no one is really the wiser. Right?

The other adjustment? Pumping at work. Oy, This is a hassle and a half. I will continue to do it, of course, because I think it's what's best for my lil man, but wow. Between feeling totally paranoid that someone is going to walk into my office when I have this contraption strapped to me, washing the darn things in between pumpings (carrying breast pump pieces through an elementary school? Awesome, btw.) and lugging the thing to and from work everyday? I might just go crazy. Of course, the pain of NOT pumping is so not worth it either, And I could be a lot worse off, I know there's several women who have to pump in tiny little closets or icky bathrooms somewhere, so I'm not complaining that much. It's just another fun little adjustment to being a working mom.

That and walking around with spit-up all over your clothes because you didn't have time to change before leaving for work. Fun times.