Today was the last day of school at the school in which I have worked for the last 4 years. It is not my last day, though, not yet. That day comes in exactly one week.
I think because I have been so stressed about having two jobs and trying to finish up this job as quickly as possible, I have not given space to the fact that I am actually. leaving. this. job.
A job I have at once loved and hated, loathed and despised, felt good at and horrible at.
A job I have been comfortable with and completely out of my comfort zone with.
A job where, when I sit and really look carefully, I have been able to make a difference in a lot of kids lives. I have seen kids grow and change, and make positive changes in their lives, in spite of their sometimes terrible parents or home situations.
A job that maybe, someday, I will return to, just hopefully in a slightly different capacity.
I have always loved helping people. When it was time for me to go out and find a new job (in my mom's opinion, anyway. I would have been more than happy lounging around the house doing nothing for another summer, but whatevs.) I decided to go and be a candy striper at the hospital. "Not really the kind of job I was talking about, darling daughter," she said to me. Except maybe without the darling daughter part.
It's just always been in my nature to help others. And I really do think that in this job, I did help others. But sometimes, and especially recently, it just. got. too. damn. hard.
Partly because I'm now a mom, and I couldn't listen to kids tell me stories about how terrible they had it, because it made me want to get up and leave and run home to my owlet and tell him that he would never have it the way that these kids have it.
And also because I wanted to spend more time with the owlet. You might remember many a post where I wailed about working full time and wanting to spend more time with him. I think there was a post or two about it. heh.
There may have also been a post or two about how burnt out I was, and that was a large part too of why it got to be too hard. But really it was all those things rolled into one.
And now, I got my wish. I found a job where I can work part time, and get to spend more time with the owlet. It doesn't pay well, but right now I don't really care that much. I'm just hoping for the best, and that things will work out.
And that I will win the lottery.
In the meantime, I'll miss the kids I worked with. The sounds of screaming and laughter coming from the cafeteria. The faces of the teachers and the staff, the camaraderie of my fellow school based therapists. I won't miss the long hours, the never ending paperwork, and the trying to please too many different systems, however.
Now I get to focus on my little owlet. And winning the lottery.