A letter to my (almost) 2 year old

My dearest not so little owlet:

Its been a while since I've written you a letter, but as we inch fly ever closer to your 2nd birthday, I felt it was time to write to you again.

I cannot believe how much you have grown and changed in the past year. Heck, I can't believe how much you've changed in the past 2 months! You are currently obsessed with cars, trucks and things that go. Your favorite sentence is "fire truck ladder help people buildings." You say it about a million times a day, even when there are no fire trucks to be seen. My favorite sentence that you say is "mama sing twinkle star song?" It was your first 5 word sentence and I couldn't believe that those words came out of your mouth so easily.

We read books everyday, you and I. You and Daddy read them daily too. Its lucky that your Mommy works at the library, because I bring so many different truck books home for you to read. Its because of these that you know that fire trucks have ladders to help people in buildings. It's also nice that Mommy brings home so many books, because some days we read through at least 20, other days we read the same 5 over and over again. Mommy has learned more about trucks than she ever thought possible.

You like to point out little things to me on our walks that you know I'll enjoy. We found moss growing in the crack in the sidewalk in front of our house, and now when we walk you tell me "mama sit down" and we examine the moss. We talk about how it's soft and the rocks are rough, and when you're done your examining, you tell us when it's time to move on. You are so inquisitive and observant!

I still check on you every night before I go to bed, I place my hand on your back to feel you breathing. The amount of love I have for you in that moment is exponential. Every single night I can't get over how lucky I am to have you in my life. The other night while I did that I remembered your very first night in the hospital. I woke up so. many. times to check on you. You were double swaddled because you wouldn't sleep otherwise and when I went to check to see if you were breathing, I couldn't feel your chest move because you took such little breaths and you were swaddled so tight! I was so sleep deprived I called out to your Daddy who reassured me that you were just fine. And you were. Of course.

My little chatterbox, my little truck lover, my little observer, I am so deeply thankful that you came into my life almost 2 years ago. You make my days brighter, my smiles bigger, my sense of joy and wonder deeper.

I love you so very, very much.

love,
Mommy

This is the owlet's newest obsession. We even rented a video from the library all about Trucks. He says "ooOOOoo" in the most excited way, I can't even stand it. In the car, while we're walking, cars, trucks, motorcycles go by and he's all "oooOOOOOooo."

How did I get so lucky?

Saying Goodbye

My Grandfather passed away about a week ago. It was a long time coming, he had been ill for quite some time. But whether it was expected or not, death and loss still hurts. I don't think I've given myself the time or the space to grieve, really.

The Owlet and I flew out to Florida for the funeral this past week. It was an incredibly difficult trip, partly because I was without the hubs, partly because of what we were flying out for. I was able to attend the wake, which was hard, but the Owlet's Grampa kept him entertained while I said my good-byes. It was good he did, because we were not able to go to the funeral. Someone decided to become fidgety and screamy just as it started. I don't blame him. I think he picked up on my sadness and stress and decided that mommy didn't really want to be there anyway. But I'm sad that I didn't get to go.

My Grandfather was a pretty great man. He served in the military, during WWII and Korea. He worked for the railroad for 30+ years, and he always made me laugh. In no particular order, here are things that I will always remember and love about my Grampa.

-He used to tell us this story, "It was a daaaark and stormy night. And Romeo sat by the firelight." (that was all I ever remember him telling us of it)
-He used to sing "OOoooh what a beautiful morning! Oh what a beautiful day!" at the top of his lungs when my cousin and I would spend summers there. Every morning, but especially when he wanted to get us up too early for church.
-He always used to ask me how the Indians were up in New Hampshire.
-He'd tell me that my Gramma would say "James P" when she was mad at him, and he'd say "but I don't have to!"
-My cousin and I put on roller skating shows in their basement when we were younger to Fresh Prince's "Parents Just Don't Understand." He put up with it. :D

He was a wonderful man, and he will so be missed. The Owlet will carry him in his memory, even if he only ever met him on Skype.

I love you Grampa. 

Beginnings of change

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. That's not a surprise, seeing as how I work in a library, but I've been reading a lot of a very specific type of book: parenting. Is that a surprise? Probably not. But part of the reason I've been reading so many parenting books is because I've decided to start my own private practice. I'm going to work with mothers, on enjoying being moms again.

There's a lot of blogs, websites, and books out there that poke fun at us. As we poke fun at ourselves. There's even more blogs, books and websites devoted to telling us what we're doing wrong, what we should be doing with our kids, how we should be raising them. But what every single book/website/well meaning stranger often fails to take into account is where WE are in OUR lives, what works for our children, what works for US does not necessarily work for everyone else.  And that's what I want to help moms with. I want to help sort out all the things that are getting bunched up, tied up in knots inside them. I want to help moms understand their own triggers, their own pasts, how they were raised, and how that all is affecting them now. I want to help moms enjoy being moms, enjoy their kids, enjoy this amazing journey that is motherhood.

I remember reading a quote somewhere that said something about how a mother is this new person who only arrives after her child is born. We have no idea how we're going to be as mothers until we are thrust into this role. I had a very different idea of mothering when I first learned I was pregnant with the owlet. I like to think I've come back to a lot of how I wanted to be, now that I've done some soul searching, read some books that I feel like actually spoke to me, stopped listening to stupid advice that didn't feel right.

Anyway. What was I talking about? I don't remember. (mom brain doesn't go away, does it?)

In the coming months you might find more posts about things I'm reading, about things I'm discovering in my own life that works really well with the Owlet. I hope it will inspire you to take a second look at what you're doing with your own families, to see what works and what doesn't.

For now I'm going to leave you with this little thought-provoker. In 5, 10 or 15 years, what do you envision for your child? What kind of life do you want them to have? What kinds of attributes do you want your teenager to possess? And are you working towards those now?

Accident Proof

Choking Hazards. Keeping shoes on outside. Making sure the metal slides (do they even make metal slides anymore?) aren't too hot. Don't let kids do X, don't let them do Y.

I saw this picture on pinterest today, and someone commented that whatever came out of it would be put in a child's mouth regardless of whether it was a toy or candy. Yeah, it probably would be, because that's part of how kids learn about their world. Could it be a choking hazard? Probably. So is it meant for a 6 month old to play with? No. Should it be used with adult supervision? Yes.

What happened to us? What happened to letting kids be kids? To trusting our intuition about what our kids can do/ can't do/ handle/can't handle?

(and who the heck am I, Mrs. Mama Owl, always the fearful, to be writing something like this?)

I have come to the realization that we are living in a culture of fear. We are so afraid of letting kids be kids, that we are holding them back. We are not letting them experience things because we are afraid of what might happen.

I am afraid too. I don't want the owlet to hurt. Ever. But he is going to hurt. He is going to trip, and he's going to fall. He's going to try to climb too high on a tree and he's going to get scrapes and cuts and bruises. And I know this. And I hope that he is going to be ok.

I am trying to love him deeply, to allow him to enjoy every single moment. While still keeping him safe. I'm standing back a little farther on the playground now. Letting him run a little freer. While still making sure he stays safe, of course. We still tell him, "that doesn't go in our mouths," but we don't yell and scream if a little bit of dirt, or a stick, or a crayon goes in his mouth.

I'm slowly learning to trust my intuition. To give the Owlet a little more space, to grow into the amazing boy I know he's going to be. To watch him make good choices, to learn what the rules are, to do things by himself.

And he's really such an amazing little guy, just as I knew in my heart he would be.

A conversation with a Toddler

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Me: Do you want snack?

Owlet: Nyo.

Me: Do you want to play?

Owlet: Nyo

Me: Do you want mommy help?

Owlet: Nyo

Me: Are you ready for a nap ?

Owlet: Nyo.

Me: Can you bring me the ball?

Owlet: Nyo.

*opening a container*

Owlet: Nyo.

*talking to himself*

Owlet: Nah. No. Nyo. Nyo nyo nyo.

The next several months are going to be sooo fun!

Mulling it over

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Ahhh mulling. If only those things we mulled in our minds came out tasting like cider. Or mulled wine.

I have been rolling quite the boulder around in my head for the past several days. Weeks? An extended amount of time, at least. I can't even roll it quickly, let it toss around up there, because it is just so big. So monumental. So....potentially, life changing.

Well, that's a little dramatic, isn't it?

You might have noticed that my posts recently have been a little bit...depressing. Because, well, I have been a little bit upset.

For some reason it has become harder and harder to leave the owlet everyday. And not just the days that I leave him with someone other than the hubs. Its hard on those days too. Maybe its because he's so fun right now. Maybe its because I don't like giving up control to other people. Maybe its that I see all these mommies at the library with their playgroups and their music classes and story times and I just feel jealous. Whatever it is, it's been eating away at me.

I finally sat down and talked with the hubs the other day as we took a nice long walk around the lake with the owlet, toddling along ahead of us, picking up every single stick he saw.

We talked about the possibility of me being a SAHM. How it would be hard at first, financially, but how we could make it work. (It's not like I'm really bringing in all that much right now, but is it enough that we can't get by without it?) We talked about what it would be like for me, home alone with the owlet, all day, everyday. But we also talked about how it wouldn't be forever. How this would give me the opportunity to do the groups for new mommies to process their birth stories. How this might even give the hubs time to work on what he wants to do with comics.

So many possibilities, with so many questions. So many unknowns. So much...scariness.

And so, the boulder still rolls about up there, in the old noggin. Giving me quite the headache, and not giving me any answers.

Raw edges

I've been feeling very raw lately.

Not rough around the edges, but raw. As if my nerves are exposed.

Simple little things make me well up and almost cry. Like a little boy who couldn't find his Gramma at the library the other day.

Or the sound of a baby crying.

Mostly, though, it's been my little owlet. All of his discoveries. The looks on his oh-so expressive face. The way he has suddenly begun patting us on the back when he hugs us with the sweetest little tap-tap-tap.

What IS this? Sleep deprivation? Worry over my ailing Grandfather? Sadness mixed with joy at my little guy who is growing up right in front of my eyes?

I honestly don't know. I've always been a bit of a weepy-Nelly, but this just seems over the top.

Hurting

I have a heavy heart tonight. I've had a heavy heart a lot of nights, but I'm usually able to shrug it off after a little while. Put sad thoughts out of my mind. But tonight, they're rolling around quite a lot.

A fellow September mommy had a very sad, scary thing happen to her son the other day, when he had an accident and now has burns covering 30% of his body. This little guy is the owlet's age. I can't get this image out of my head. I'm not going to go into details about what happened, because I just can't.

Just like I can't get the image out of my mind of a little 15 month old who had drowned in his bathtub.

It's just not fair. My heart hurts for these wonderful little beings who have terrible things happen to them.

My heart hurts for the kid who was told by his dad at the library that he is "such a mess, and makes a mess wherever he goes." Kids remember this stuff. It becomes who they are, even if just for a little while.

I got out of doing therapy because I couldn't hear terrible stories from kids anymore. And instead I hear terrible stories ABOUT kids. I had to leave a facebook group because I couldn't handle any more sad stories about kids. It breaks my heart.

I was telling the hubs tonight that I wish I could walk around like most of the people on the earth do, only caring about myself. But I can't.

I wish I could take in all these little lovelies who have had bad things happen to them, and make them better, but I can't do that either.

The most I can do is love on my little owlet with every fiber of my being. Provide him with the knowledge that he is safe and oh so loved.

And cry for the little ones who are hurting, who have been hurt, or who no longer have to hurt anymore.

Letter to the Owlet

My Dearest little Owlet,

It is hard to believe that you are almost 18 months. You have grown up so fast! Sometimes, I look at you and wonder, "who is this amazing, adventurous little boy?" You are so fun right now. You're studying everything, and so curious. You take your time when you're in a new situation, books call this "slow to warm" but when you've warmed up, look out!

You know so much right now, even if you don't say much. Your favorite word right now is "No" and you say it to anything and everything, even if you actually want to do it. You're very silly. You also love to say "go" and you say it with the sweetest little Canadian accent. I have no idea where you got that from!

Right now you're fascinated with shapes, and you love your shape sorter. It used to make you really frustrated, but you're becoming quite the pro at it. I love that you keep trying, even when you do get mad, although sometimes you do get too frustrated to keep going, and that's ok. You'll get it soon enough, I know. You've also discovered toilet paper rolls, and an empty egg carton can be the coolest toys ever. You love taking lids off of things, and putting them back on. You are discovering your world right now, and I love watching you discover it.

I hope in the coming months and years that I can help you discover so much more. The smell of pine trees in the sun. The way mud feels between your toes. The feel of the breeze near the ocean on your face.

I love you, my sweet, amazing little boy. Thanks for helping me to see the wonder in the everyday.

Love,

Mom

Recommended Reading, part 2

I seriously LOVE working in a library. And I just got a promotion so that I can actually help people find books, which is awesome. The hard part of this is that people ask me for recommendations for books. Well, that's not really the hard part. The hard part is dealing with people who forget that I am also a person and that they can treat me like crap.

Anyway. I've been on a reading spree since Series 4 of Doctor Who ended, and series 5 has taken forever to come in for me at said library. So, here, in no particular order, are my suggestions for some new reads.

Gregor the Overlander, by Suzanne Collins. (yes, that Suzanne Collins). It's a kids's fantasy series, and it starts with this one. It started a little weird, I'm not going to lie. But it got a lot better. It's basically about a boy who ends up falling through this portal thing and ends up in a world underneath New York. He has to save his Dad, and he's with his baby sister, which provides both a sweet and sometimes humorous element.

Ready Player One, by Ernest Cline. Super fun sci-fi/fantasy novel. Technically it's called a "gamer novel" but you don't have to be into video games to dig it. There's also a TON of 80's references, which were super fun. It's got everything, really. Hero's journey, fighting against the system, and a love story, all in one. I really loved this book.

The Maze Runner and The Scorch Trials, by James Dashner. Books one and two of the Maze Runner trilogy. (I'm currently on book three. I'm not diggin it as much.) For those of you missing The Hunger Games, this series fills that void, somewhat. Another dystopian fantasy world, in the very distant future, there's a disease called The Flare that's affected almost everyone on the planet. While you don't get as attached to the main characters as you might have done with HG, it still has that same feeling. The best thing is that it grabs you on page one, and doesn't let go, until the end of book 2.

Maine by Courtney Sullivan. I started this book but haven't gotten very far in it. I think I'm too into the fantasy/sci-fi genre right now, and I couldn't really handle the family drama. But what I read of it was pretty good.

Sisters Grimm series, numbers 1 and 2 (and currently reading 3) by Michael Buckley. Fun, easy books (more kids chapter books) about the Sisters Grimm, descendants of the Brothers Grimm. Yes, those Brothers. It's fun to see the characters you already know (or think you know) in a different light.

The Writer's Tale, by Russell T. Davies. I have been reading this book every day on my lunch break for the past 6 weeks. It has taken me that long, and I'm only halfway through. This book is HUGE, and awesome. It is so cool to see RTD's process in writing Doctor Who. How he comes up with these insane names, like Raxicoricofallapatorius. Actually, he hasn't talked about that. They're just sort of...there. But it's cool. It's really cool. Plus, pictures of David Tennant. Hello! awesome already.

One for the Money, by Janet Evanovich. I took a dabble in the mystery realm, because it's one of the areas where I feel like I really lack. I enjoyed this book, although there were certain parts that were REALLY hard for me to read. But it was fun. I wouldn't mind reading another one of hers, although I've heard that after a while they become pretty similar, but we'll see.

So, I think that's all for now. I have 4 books currently checked out which I have yet to start, so I'll be updating ya'll again soon on more recommendations.

Project Life

You guys? I have discovered something Ah-may-zing. It is called Project Life, and it has changed mine. (that sounds cheesy and totally made up, but whatevs.)

So I was wasting time on Pinterest the other day, and I saw these pins on various people's scrapbooking pages that talked about Project Life. So I Googled it, and I immediately liked what I saw. It's like scrapbooking, without scrapbooking. Well, no, that's not right. It's like when I was in Jr High and used to collect newspaper clippings of band, or cards from crushes, or notes, or whatever. But with pictures thrown in. (I guess I did have some pictures in my "scrapbook.")

I was so excited when this little box arrived!

I've never been super crafty. I like to pretend I am. I like to try things, but the things I create NEVER turn out the way I have them pictured in my head. But this? This can be anything you want. You can add bibbles and baubles and fun little embellishments. Or not. It doesn't matter. The other thing I like? You can focus on what you want to focus on. If you want to have 30 pictures of one event, you can. It's not like with "regular" scrapbooking where you basically have one or two pictures surrounded by a bunch of stuff. (I realize I might be offending some regular 'scrappers here, but, I've just always had a problem with it. I think, honestly, I don't have the eye for it. I don't know what stickers or buttons or flowers to put with what, let alone where. I mean no offense, I promise.)

This is what was inside. A lot of the bigger cards are missing, because they're already in my book. But all those little boxes ALSO have journaling cards in them too! There's so much stuff in there!

Anyway. I'm LOVING this system. I ended up buying just the journaling cards from the Becky Higgins site, because everything else was sold out. (Most of the stuff should be back mid-month, FYI). Right, I probably should have mentioned that. The best thing about this is that it's lots of journaling with the pictures. Or little journaling. Or mostly journaling with minimal pictures. Some people are doing the 365 photo thing, and using it that way. I'm sure there's other slacker moms like me who've realized they've done NOTHING by the way of a baby book and are realizing that if they don't get on it RIGHT. NOW. That they will forget everything. So that's how I'm using it now. I'm thinking that after the owlet turns 2, we'll do the 365 thing. Or we won't. Maybe we'll focus on taking 7 pictures a week. Regardless, this system is helping me remember what the owlet was like when he was a wee thing, and taking more pictures of the here and now.

These are some of my pages so far. I'm putting in a bunch of stuff that was going to go in his baby book, because I think this is going to serve as his baby book and his photo album. I've been working on it every night, and it's really coming together.

But seriously? Thank goodness for facebook and this ol' blog here. Because some of the details about the past year and a half are just a smidge fuzzy.

Reconnecting

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I've been doing a lot of reading lately, mostly non parenting books, but I did pick up a couple at the library the other day about Positive Discipline, and Disciplining from an Attachment Style. So far I've really been digging The Discipline Book, by Dr. Sears, basically the guru on all things attachment style parenting.

I've always known that I was going to raise the owlet in the attachment style, as a former school based therapist and Naropan, it was really the only thing that made sense. But people and naysayers tried to get me to move away from that, especially when the owlet was still a newborn. People asked me why he wasn't sleeping through the night, and suggested that I tried Cry It Out, which we did, with no success, and with great suffering on my part.

(as a side note, Sears mentions that if you try this, as a last resort, or because it's what's been spouted to you and you feel like it's not for you...then it's not for you. Hmmm. Brilliant.)

Going back to what the hubs and I knew was right for us, although it took quite a bit longer with the owlet, actually worked. The owlet now sleeps from about 6:30pm to about 6:30am. Amazing, right? He also naps in his own crib, which means I can enjoy watching tv or blogging or whatever while he naps, without worrying about being too noisy and tip-toeing around.

What did we do, you ask? We listened to our guts and what we knew was right for our child and our situation. We still sit in his room while he falls asleep, both for naps and for bedtime. We shush him, from across the room, if needed. We let him know that we are there, that we care for him, and that we want him to be happy. If he wakes in the middle of the night, I go in to find out what's wrong. For a couple weeks he was waking up around 3am, like clockwork. For a couple nights, I sat in his room, next to his crib, waiting for him to fall asleep. But I was miserable. I was cold, uncomfortable and just wanted to sleep. So, I gave in and he came to bed with me, and we both slept until about 6ish. I don't know what changed, but he doesn't need that anymore. Maybe it was his way of reconnecting with me. He got his cuddles in, and realized that sleeping by himself was ok, so now he doesn't wake up anymore.

Lately, thanks to the Discipline Book, (and also thanks to getting a good night sleep again), I have been a much happier mommy, and a mommy who is more able to spend time actually enjoying my child. I spend time on the floor with him in the afternoons, letting him know I'm there for him, and there with him, instead of just sitting on the couch, letting him come to me with books.

I've noticed a change in him when I do this. He doesn't need to be told not to touch the tv as much, because he's getting the attention he wants in a good way, instead of in a bad way. He's fun. He smiles more (I didn't even think that was possible, but it is). He seems, calmer, somehow.

This isn't to say that before he was running around like a crazy, knife-weilding toddler. He has always been pretty great. But I've definitely noticed a shift in him. And, in myself. Getting enough sleep, working fewer hours, stressing less, has made me be able to not just run on survival mode anymore.

And it. Feels. Fabulous.

I think I just needed this book to say to me, "hey, you know all that stuff that you know about how to raise a happy, healthy, successful kid? All that stuff you used to tell the parents you worked with that they needed to do? Yeah, you need to do that. Because it's right, and you know it. And you're getting enough sleep now, and you're happier now, so, what's stopping you?"

Injustice on the playground

I was saddened by something I saw today. Something, in fact that I saw several times. I took the owlet to an indoor play area to burn off some energy before I snapped, but they closed early and he still had oodles of energy to burn. So, we went to my library because I knew they had lots of stuff for kiddos to play with.

The owlet did great. He was calm and didn't run off, like I half expected him to do. He walked around and checked stuff out, and over and over again, bigger kids ripped toys out of his hands, or told him he couldn't play with things.

Like, the kitchen set.

A girl no more than 6, was completely guarding the little pretend kitchen so that my son who only wanted to open and close the cabinet, couldn't play.

Part of me REALLY wanted to say something. And maybe I should have. At what point do you step in and parent someone else's child? I see this type of thing every day in the library. Kids running rampant, pulling books off the shelves, wrestling, or whatever, while their parents sit on the computer, zoned out. Or on their Nintendo DS, like one mom was today. Yes, it's a library, but that doesn't make it a parent free zone. But it's different when my kid is involved. At one point I did step up and say something, when the owlet pulled a block out of a wheelbarrow that another boy was using. (This kid, by the way, had now taken every single block, tool and other such thing, so there was barely anything left to play with. Plus, with the kitchen being barricaded by another lovely, I was half expecting the owlet to say "eff this" and take off.)

Where was I? Oh, right. The other little boy almost ripped the toy out of the owlet's hand, and I said, "it's ok if he plays with that for a second. He's just a little guy." The boy looked at me like how DARE I tell him what to do, but he let the owlet play with it.

It's interesting. Because the other day I was at one of those play areas in the mall. It was very small and VERY crowded, mostly with moms of several kids of varying ages. I think they were having a playgroup. Anyway. These moms, for the most part, were much more vigilant about watching their kids. I heard them say several times, "watch out for the little guy," or "wait your turn." What made this different than the library? The lack of other things to do? These moms could have zoned out just as easily as the ones at the library. They could have been on their phones, or been gossiping and not have noticed. Maybe it was the difference in safety. The kids in the library can't go that far (even though the library is big) whereas at the mall, they could take off and be gone in a flash.

I don't really know. All I know is that when I am out anywhere with the owlet, I watch him like a hawk. Or, a momma owl. Either way, my eyes don't leave him. I want him to know that I'm watching him. That I'm present, even if I'm sitting back, letting him explore.

And if one more of these little beings thinks they can be rude to my child because their parent can't even be bothered to be in the same room as them, they best be watching out. Because Momma Owlet is going to come down hard on them and teach them some manners and a little word called "Sharing."

Anger

A while back, like when the owlet was just a wee little thing, instead of the almost 2 year old he is now, I realized that I do not do well on minimal sleep.

I also realized that when I don't get enough sleep, or am awoken in the middle of the night, or early in the morning, I become a very, very terrible person.

The kind of person who, albeit briefly, understands why some people get to the point of hurting their children. It needs to be said, however, that in my fully awake, caffeinated, rational mind, I would NEVER dream of hurting my child, and that the very thought makes me sick. HOWEVER. There are times, like at 3am, when the owlet has flopped around for an hour and a half and refused to go back to sleep, both in his crib and in bed with me, that I have come close to losing it.

On more than one occasion, I have actually lost it. Although I have never struck my child. And I never will.

Yes, I have screamed, and yelled. I even said the title of that book. (You know the one.)

And the following morning, after I looked at my little sleeping guy, all peaceful and breathing deeply, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of love, and of sadness and anger at myself. No one deserves to be yelled at like that. Yes, he's 16 months, and no, he won't remember it. But I will.

The day after this happened most recently, I apologized to him. I told him that I was sorry I yelled at him. I explained to him, even though he couldn't understand, that Mommy does not do well on very little sleep. I told him that I don't ever want him to be afraid of me. That I don't want him to think that anger is the way to solve problems. Because it's not.

But we inch ever closer to the Terrible Two's. To the days of wanting to rip my hair out. To the days where I am going to be tired of telling him "the dog is not for hitting." "We don't throw our cup at the tv." Where it will be easier to smack his hand after he slaps me in the face instead of explaining to him that hitting hurts and is not ok and sitting him on the floor.

Which reminds me. Why do people hit kids after they hit someone to tell them that hitting is wrong? I never understood it. And maybe, if nothing else, that will be the reminder in the back of my mind to not smack his hand after he smacks me.

Because I want him to go into life being able to express himself in healthy ways. I've been trying to model healthy expression of feelings to him. I say things to him like "I know you're frustrated, but we don't throw our toys."

But its hard to remember this at 3am. It's even harder to remember it when he's smacked me in the face a bunch of times, and fussed for no reason.

What's not hard to remember though, is that this little guy is my world. The center of my universe. Temper tantrums and all, and I love him no matter what. Face smacking and all.

I'm BAAAAACK!

It's been an eventful however many months since I last posted. The owlet is now 16 months old. He's into EV-ER-Ything. He doesn't listen to the word "no", or "uh-uh" or "we don't touch that." I am amazed that I still have hair, and that it's still not grey.

We took our first plane ride on Christmas Eve day (because we are crazy and gluttons for punishment, and because it is way cheaper to fly on Christmas Eve). The owlet did amazingly well. I, being the worry wart that I am, was worried that he would do his annoying car scream the entire plane ride and that our fellow passengers would give us glaring looks and kick us off the plane, but, nope! He did fabulously. I think this had a lot to do with the fact that his grandparents were on the flight, and they got to entertain him. Plus he didn't have to feel me tense up as the plane took off (that's my least favorite part) or landed (my second least favorite part), which I think helped.

Why'd we fly? Oh, right! I finally decided that I should see some of my family on Christmas this year, and we actually had enough money saved up to buy our plane tickets, so, we had a good ol' fashioned New Hampshire Christmas. It was a great Christmas for the owlet, who got not one, not two but 5 Christmases total! I'm glad he's still so young, I don't want him to think that he's going to get 5 Christmases every year. But it was great. He's adorable, and family that had yet to meet him were instantly in love with him. How could they not be?

I am pretty proud of myself too, because I managed to make a felt quiet book in my spare time, while also making Christmas gifts for family members. Yup. Me. I don't sew (and didn't really have to sew much for this book), and it didn't turn out half as good as I wanted, but I did it. I'll do another blog post soon with the details.

So, other things have been keeping me away from blogging. Namely, DOCTOR WHO. Oh my gosh. Do you guys watch this show? Because, holy crap. You should. I started seeing all these pictures on pinterest (are you on pinterest, by the way? You should be.) and I thought, hmmm. This show seems quirky and weird (and who on earth is that foxy man?)
And so I told the hubs I wanted to watch it, and after he stopped looking utterly surprised, he told me that he had the first series of the NEW Doctor on his computer, and after 1 episode I was Hooked, with a capital H. Seriously. I am obsessed. I can proudly say that I am a New Whovian.

I've also been reading like my life depends on it. I've made a goal for myself to read 30 books this year. That's more than 2 a month, for those of you not good with the maths. So far I've read 3, so I'm doing pretty good, as its only January something. And seeing as how I work in a library and constantly find more books that I want to read, I think I'll hit 30 with no problems.

So, that's what I've been up to for the past 4 months. What about you? What's been keeping you busy, sane, or insane?

Mompetition

Its been a while since I've blogged. The owlet has turned 1 (more on that at a later time). But something has brought me back to the blogosphere and pulled me away from Pottermore and Pintrest. That something, mommies, is Mompetition.

What is mompetition? Its when we, as mommies, feel the need to compete with other moms. This can be done in several ways, but the most common is comparing your child to another's. Theirs might have started walking at 8 months, but YOURS is already fluent in Chinese, and your family is not even from China. Its this need that many moms feel to one-up a fellow mommy. And ladies, I have to say, no one wins here. Sure you might feel better about yourself for a second, but then you find out that another baby is fluent in not only Chinese, but also Spanish and is currently studying German.

Another example of mompetition is putting another mommy down, or telling her, "you think you have it bad now? Just wait. My 2 year old just electrocuted his younger brother. You have no idea how good you have it." Similarly is when a fellow mom asks for help and receives the reply, "Oh please. I had 15 kids at once and worked 40 hours a week and still managed to be June Cleaver every evening at 4:30, with a four course meal ready and prepared for my husband."

Again, this helps NO ONE. Because again, you might feel good for a millisecond (but do you really?) And all is does is make that other mommy either a)feel like crap or b)make her feel like she needs to then one-up you.

What is it about us women that we can be so kind and wonderful to one another, and then turn around and stab each other in the back, just to make ourselves feel better? Wouldn't we feel even greater if we actually, I don't know HELPED one another?

When a fellow sleep deprived, overwhelmed, out of it mommy comes to you and says "oh. my. god. If Johnny doesn't start sleeping through the night, I am seriously going to lose my schmidt," wouldn't it make you feel so much better to say "Oh, honey. I feel you. I remember what it was like to be there. And it does eventually get better." Instead of, "suck it up, sunshine. It only gets worse. My kid is sleeping through the night but he refuses to pee in the potty and chooses instead to pee on the couch, so see how much easier you have it?" Because at least with the first example you've made a fellow mommy feel like she's not alone, instead of feeling even MORE overwhelmed than she already was.

The other day while driving home from work, there was this stupid radio program that I have no idea why I listen to, and they were talking about a mom with a 5 month old who is a SAHM, who wanted to hire a housekeeper. They could afford the help financially, but the husband wasn't on board. So they called this show up for some advice. And folks, the number of people (including FELLOW MOMMIES) who berated this woman, both on the air and on facebook made me sick. They called her lazy, and told her to get up off her ass and do some housework. Several were of the "I had 400 kids, and was a military mom*, and worked 65 hours a week and sunshine shines out of my butt" variety. I could tell in minutes that this poor woman was totally and utterly overwhelmed and was clearly asking for help, in more than just asking for a housekeeper. And by berating her, she probably felt even more overwhelmed and alone than ever.

* I have the utmost respect for military moms, btw. I have no idea how you mammas manage to take care of your kiddos by yourself while also worrying about your loved ones deployed and fighting for our country. My point was that these mommies were acting all "holier than thou" when a fellow woman was asking for help.

As far as I know, as moms, we're all just trying to do the best damn jobs we can. Some of us do it better than others, but we all have our own strengths and weaknesses, and we can all help each other out. So mommies, when you see or talk to another mommy who clearly has her hands full/is overtired, overwhelmed, or utterly exhausted, offer her some FRIENDLY advice. Some words of encouragement. Tell her it gets better (even if it doesn't). Because right now, that mommy who is still up every 3 hours with her son to breastfeed, does not need to hear that soon she'll be dealing with that same child playing with his own poop in the toilet.

Recommended Reading

image via

(and also, I want this. In my home. Someday. When the Owlet is not pulling everything off the shelves.)

It's rare that I have time to actually finish a book these days, what with working and dealing with an almost 11 month old. But the owlet has finally learned how to nap in his pack-n-play, rather than on someone which frees up my arms for other things. (hurrah!)

I should spend the time being productive and cleaning the house/doing laundry/etc., but his pack n play is in the living room and he would wake up, so instead, I read.

Working at the library has its perks. In addition to not coming home so stressed out that I just want to sit in the corner in a little ball and cry, I also get to check out an unlimited number of books!

(well, technically, I can check out 99 items, because that really is the limit. but you get what I mean.)

Currently I have the following books checked out:

Bossypants by Tina Fey. I actually JUST finished reading this one. I read it in two days, more or less. It is hys-ter-ical. And sweet. Read it. It's good for more than a laugh or two. And let's face it, Tina Fey could write a manual for building your own oven and I'd read it.

The Other Mother. I'm almost done this one, but I've had to renew it once already, I've had it out for so long. I'll be honest, I checked it out because it had "mother" in the title and was about two moms, one who works out of the home, one who is a stay-at-home mom. It's actually pretty good, although it's taken me about a month to decide that.

Freedom. I have not read this one yet, and I checked it out at the same time as The Other Mother. It may get returned before it gets read. I checked this one out because there was a bird on the cover. Yep. I'm awesome like that.

It's A Boy. I have read about 3 pages into this one. Not because it's boring or anything, but because I've been reading 3 other books at once. It's about the psychology and the development of boys from itty bitty to 18. So far it's pretty good. But again, I'm 3 pages in.

Baby Led Weaning (and the Baby Led Weaning Cookbook)-I've read the cookbook, and I've tried a few recipes. I understand the basic concept of BLW. I have not gotten far in the main book, however.

The Invention of Hugo Cabret. I love me some young adult and juvenile fiction, provided it's not Twilight and it's well written. (that could explain why I don't like Twilight). This book is a super fast read, because it's primarily pictures, and it has a great little twist at the end. It's being turned into a movie, and I hope they do it justice, although they probably won't because they're making a book into a movie.

Sisterhood Everlasting. It's a continuation (10 years later) of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books. Haven't started it. Came in the same day as Bossypants, and as I've mentioned, I'm reading like, 800 other things.

Flight 8-a graphic novel of sorts. Basically it's a bunch of amazing comic artists various little stories in one larger book. What do you call those? I've only read the first couple stories in this one too.

Owl Howl- a book for my little owlet about an owl who can't stop crying but can't remember why she's crying. :) It's sweet and a great nap time read.

The Littlest Owl. -Another book for the owlet, about, you guessed it- the littlest owl in the family, who, just because he's little, can still do great things.

Baby Love baby food cookbook-Mostly purees, which we're past, and a few good finger food recipes. I don't think we've tried anything from this one yet.

The Best Homemade Babyfood On the Planet- We've done a few recipes from this one so far the owlet's really liked the "lentils and potatoes" and the "Red Light, Green light" green beans and red bell peppers.

No Cry Nap Solution, from the same lady who brought us No Cry Sleep Solution. We actually didn't need this one afterall, I should probably take it back.

The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents, by Terry Pratchett. So far I've really enjoyed Pratchett's books, especially the Tiffany Aching sub-series of the Discworld main series. I have not read this book yet either. (see above re: 8,000 books)

I should also mention that I borrowed The Help from my sister-in-law. I do not know when exactly I will get around to this book, because as you can see, I am currently reading or am about to read a trillion books all at once.

While taking care of an almost 11 month old.

And working a part time job.

And planning a birthday party for the almost 11 month old who will be, in less than a month and a half, a one year old.

Maybe I should be spending some time reading, instead of blogging?

Mommy Meltdown

"No one could feel all that at one time. They'd go insane." Ahh, Ron Weasley. He speaks the truth there.

I had a bit of a meltdown earlier today. I've been feeling a touch under the weather and a touch more frustrated at the owlet's temper tantrums and increasing realization that throwing said tantrum will eventually get him what he wants. Or, not what we wants really, but will get him attention.

But how am I supposed to ignore this screaming, writhing, almost toddler on the floor/pulling on my leg/screaming in my ear?

Anyway. I was feeling tired, overwhelmed, frustrated and under the weather and then suddenly:

WHAM-O. Full. On. Mommy, Meltdown.

After telling the hubs that I was feeling frustrated at some silly little thing he did (sighing when I asked him to do something), I lost it. I told him that I was mad at myself for feeling ungrateful for how much he actually does do (like working the overnight shift to actually bring some money into our house) and a host of other things such as feeling like the worst mom in the world, and feeling upset at myself for feeling mad at the owlet's temper tantrums when there are hundreds, thousands even, of women who desperately want a baby, and why can't I just enjoy every single moment of life with him, because these little moments are going to go by so fast, and...

what was I talking about?

Anyway.

I do not do well with little sleep (although the owlet IS sleeping better-hurrah!) or with feeling unappreciated.

Because that's what it is. I'd love to hear some "thank you's" now and then.

Thank goodness for Gilmore Girls and a brand new bottle of wine. They can always make me feel loads better.

dreaming of sleeping

The owlet turned 10 months old yesterday. I cannot even fathom this. Time has really flown by. It's so ridiculous. It feels like just the other day he could barely hold his head up, and now he's crawling around with a vengeance and getting in to ev-er-y-thing.

He's also STILL not sleeping through the night. We've been on a new routine where he wakes up at 10:30, 2:30 and 5:30. Everyday. Like clockwork. Babies can't tell time my ass. He sure seems to be able to.

We have been trying something new lately. Thanks to my library job, I checked out a book called "The Sleep Lady's Goodnight, Sleep Tight" book. It's sort of like no cry sleep, without the picking up and gradual settling down. He's 10 months old. He needs to learn how to self-soothe, without cry it out. We're making a little bit of progress. He still woke up 3 times last night, but at least I was able to sing him back to sleep, rather than having to pick him up. Yay!

Last night though, as I was lying in bed, waiting to see if he would stay asleep or start screaming again, slowly falling into sleep, I remembered how it was when he was a teeny tiny little guy, and I would dream that I had fallen asleep holding him or nursing him.

I'd wake up when he cried, and would look around for him, under the blanket, in my arms, sometimes even moving my arms as if he was still lying there.

Ahh, sleep deprivation. It does wonderful things to the mind, doesn't it?

On more than one occasion, I even asked the hubs to reswaddle him, because I had heard him fussing, only for the poor hubs to get out of bed and check on the owlet who was not unswaddled, nor was he crying.

I don't think I imagined way back then that we'd still be having problems with sleeping. That the owlet would still be waking up so often during the night.

The hubs keeps reminding me that we're not alone in this. That there are tons of babies who don't sleep through the night, because if there weren't there wouldn't be all these books about helping kids and toddlers to sleep better.

I like this thought. Especially when I hear that a friend's baby is sleeping through the night at just a week old. (I'm really happy for her, by the way, but seriously?)

One of these days we'll all be sleeping better and all this will be but a distant memory. Something I look back on fondly.

At least I hope so.