weighing in

It's no surprise that I gained weight during my pregnancy. I ate like a horse and really packed on the pounds, but silly me, I thought I'd be able to lose it all pretty quickly after the little guy was born. I'm not going to tell you how much I weighed before I got pregnant, but I will tell you that I gained 37 pounds during my pregnancy. 37 pounds! I am not a tall woman by any means, I've always been petite (aka: short). My doctor never mentioned any concern with my weight gain, she always told me I was doing great. Almost 2 months post-pregnancy and I think I've lost maybe 15 pounds. 8 of that was Alex himself. A couple of those pounds were probably fluid.

It was hard to do anything those first few weeks because of that c-section, so I tried to be easy on myself then. But time has gone by and still its hard for me to get motivated to exercise. Because seriously, when am I supposed to do this? When I'm not sleeping or feeding a baby? The hubs and I have been trying to take longer walks, but I know it's going to take a lot more than that to get this baby weight off.

<----I vow to not let myself get to this :)

Ani DiFranco has a line that I try to remember whenever I see the state of my stomach: "I've got highways for stretch marks, see where I've grown." If only I could remember this when I realize that none of my pants fit and that I am going to have to go buy all new pants before I start work again in a few weeks.

When I look at Alex though, all those stretch marks and extra weight gain is totally worth it. Although it would be pretty awesome if all this extra baby weight would just fall off, without my needing to diet or exercise.

sleepy time

I have recently realized that if the hubs and I continue things as we have been with the little owlet, that he will never be able to fall asleep on his own unless he is being held. This is all fine and good for now, but it will not be the case when he is 14 and still needs to fall asleep with mommy and daddy.

I went out and bought that "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" book when I was still pregnant and vowed to stick to the book's suggestions of putting Alex down "drowsy but awake." The first few weeks went by, and since he was a newborn, I let things slide, because, well, let's face it. I wanted to hold him all the time anyway, so it didn't matter that he always fell asleep in my arms. Plus, I reasoned, he was so little! Fast forward a few weeks, and I started mentioning to the hubs that we really should put him on a sleep schedule, start figuring out a routine because *gasp* I will be going back to work soon and we really should have a routine down before that happens. Guess what? We didn't start a routine.

So now, here we are. Alex will be 7 weeks tomorrow. I return to work in 3 weeks. I tell the parents that I work with that they need to establish a bedtime routine for their kiddos, and that establishing a routine takes time. Tonight is the first night that we have put Alex down when he starts doing the "sleepy eyed thing." Right now he is in his pack-n-play in our bedroom hiccuping away, eyes wide open. All I want to do is go and grab him and rock him and hold him until he falls asleep, or until the hubs comes back in so he can hold him so I can get some sleep myself. Part of me feels like a terrible mom, for not establishing this routine from day one, and a lot of the parenting books/magazines/websites would agree with me. But then they also tell me that you can't spoil a newborn, and that part I believe. I know he needs to "self-soothe" and learn to fall asleep on his own, otherwise we'll have that 14 year old scenario I talked about. But at 7 weeks can he really self-soothe? I guess not if I haven't given him the opportunity to do so, right?

It's amazing how many things can put us in the "bad mommy camp." I hope holding my child until he falls asleep isn't one of them.

problem...solved?

So the hubs and I might have figured out a solution to the whole childcare issue. After sitting down last night, with only a minimal melt-down by me, and crunching some numbers (I hate budgeting, btw, because I don't like seeing how little money we are left with each month) we decided that there is no way we can afford childcare each month. No surprise there, right? Which reminds me, why on earth did I get a job in the non-profit world? Maybe if I was working in some big shot company I'd be able to afford childcare. Or if the hubs was, then I could stay home. But I'm not going to get started on THAT whole thing again. Anyway, we can't afford childcare. And we can't afford for me to stay home. Awesome.

So, the hubs, wonderful man that he is, is going to make the sacrifice of working the night shift at his company. Of course it's a sacrifice for me too, since it means less time with my wonderful husband, but it also means that we won't have to pay for childcare, because he'll be able to stay home with our owlet all day, and I'll be home with him all night. As much as it's going to be hard at first, it will still allow him to be around a lot, and spend time with our little guy. We talked about how hard it's going to be for him to sleep, since sometimes this little owlet barely naps during the day, so, we ALSO decided that he would spend the day with the dog and the lil guy at the grandparents house. That way they get to spend lots of time with him too, and he can nap even if Alex decides he doesn't want to, there will still be someone there to take care of him.

As hard as it will be for me to go back to work and leave my little one in someone else's hands, I'm glad to know that he will be in very capable, loving hands. Although if anyone out there wins the lottery, it'd be awesome if you sent some of that money my way so that I don't have to leave him at all.

the molding of lives

I was reading another blog the other day (one of my fav's---spilled milk, check it out!) And she posted something about how our babies don't mold to us, we mold to them. This has been sitting with me since late last night, and how true it rings for me, and how friends that don't currently have little ones of their own won't understand until it's their turn. The hubs and I were out with some friends the other night and they asked me about my social life (or current lack thereof). I mentioned that right now my life pretty much revolves around my little owlet. And as much as I would love to have some adult conversation during the day, I wouldn't have it any other way right now. This little man is my whole world, and I would do anything at all for him. My friends also asked about how I spend my day, and I said that I pretty much watch bad television all day, especially when I'm feeding this little guy. They asked me why I didn't try to do something like read a book, and I explained that I can't get too invested in anything, because as soon as I do someone is screaming bloody murder, and I have to drop everything to take care of his needs. And this is how it should be. I mean no disrespect to my friends, but the things I once enjoyed, such as curling up with a good book and a nice big cup of chai, have taken a very, very, very back burner to other things in my life. Not to mention the fact that my hands are usually full with a baby. Heck, the times I try to read a book to HIM are often interrupted with screams. (So far we've gotten through about 5 pages in Winnie-the-Pooh. I'm hoping by the time he's 1 we'll have managed to finish the whole thing. ) And let's be honest, half the time I'm not even able to make myself a decent lunch!

Everyone always says, "having a baby changes everything." And it doesn't change everything, it changes YOU. Physically (I can't fit into anything I wore pre-pregnancy, but that's a post for a different day), mentally and emotionally. I am not the same person I was before I had Alex, I am now a Mom. I worry more, I sleep less, and I love this little being more than I ever thought possible. I can't expect him to fit into my life the way it once was, I have to mold to him. My schedule now revolves around him, I have realized that I will never be on time for anything again, or at least not for the next several years. As much as I would love to finish my dinner, when he's hungry, he comes first. And as much as I would love to kick back and down several margaritas in one sitting, I know that this is also not possible. (sadly). No longer can I stay out until midnight and sleep in the next day. No longer can I run off to the store, because what used to take 5 minutes to get ready, now takes 45.

So, dear friends, I hope you'll continue to hang out with us, even though we will forever be late, and I will have a hard time looking anywhere but at my baby, and my topics of conversation will mostly revolve around how cute he is or how much he's learning and growing. I promise, when it's your turn, I'll understand when you do the same thing.

the great debate

Over the past few weeks there has been a huge debate going on in my mind, and recently, out loud. This debate is about work. And childcare. Sadly, the hubs and I have realized that I cannot be a SAHM (stay at home mom). Not that I want to be a SAHM, not really. I want to spend everyday with my owlet, watching him grow, teaching him things, and playing with him, but I want to be able to go out and talk to people and have adult conversations. Basically I want the best of both worlds. I have approached my boss about possibly going to part time, which would allow me time home with my owlet a couple days a week. The problem with this scenario: I am burned out on my job. And if I'm not allowed to go to part time, I worry that I will come home so drained dealing with kiddos and the various systems that I work in that I won't have time to enjoy being a Mom. So, I have started looking for other things. This brings a whole new issue, as what I am looking at is not part time, but it may allow me to be less stressed thus allowing me to feel like I can give more time and energy to my little guy when I get home, rather than being totally drained and stressed out. Of course, there's the possibility of this other job not paying enough, which brings me to the other issue: Childcare.

Why on earth is child care so expensive? I emailed a potential nanny the other day, her rate? $12/hour. That's just a little less than I make an hour. So why do I want to pay someone basically the same thing that I make after taxes to stay home and watch my child, when that's all I want to do, and I could do it for free? It just doesn't make sense. If only I wasn't going to be paying student loans until I'm 60, it might be somewhat feasible for me to stay home. Or just work part time. Maybe what I need to do is get a job AT a childcare facility?! That way I could have the best of both worlds. I could spend the day with my little man WHILE getting childcare WHILE getting paid! Of course, I'm not qualified to do this, but hey, a girl can dream right?

A letter to my little man

Dear Alexander,

I can't believe you are going to be 6 weeks old tomorrow. It seems like just yesterday we were even wondering if we'd have someone so wonderful in our lives, and here you are. Wiggly, smiley, alert and beginning to explore your world. You were completely worth waiting for, even though it would have been great if you had arrived on your due date, mostly because I haven't spent nearly enough time with you and it's almost time to go back to work.

I love seeing how much you grow and change everyday, how strong you're becoming, I know you'll be able to hold your head up on your own any day now, and soon you'll be crawling and then running. You're so big and strong, but I love that you still fit in the crook of my neck, and that you fall asleep there so easily. I want to remember forever what it feels like to have you sleeping there, and I'll try my hardest to remember, but I know, sadly, that some day I will forget that right now you can fit from my shoulder to my belly button (which you love to kick when you're unhappy.)

I know sometimes I get frazzled and frustrated when you cry, but it's only because I don't know what's wrong and I never want to see you hurt or in pain. I wish I could instantly make everything better for you, but it's hard when you can't tell me what's wrong and I have to guess, because a lot of the times it seems like I'm wrong. I look forward to the day when you can actually tell me what's wrong, and I hope you'll confide in me and tell me your problems. I can't promise that I can always make everything better, but I promise to try, and I promise to always listen.

You are such an amazing, wonderful little guy, and as much as I want you to stay little forever, I can't wait to see what kind of boy, and man, you'll become.

I love you.

---Mommy

growing up too fast

My little man is not even 2 months old yet and time is already going by too fast. He'll be 6 weeks on Friday. 6 WEEKS! Where on earth has the time gone? Everyone tells you "enjoy every moment, because it will be gone so quickly..." and boy were they right. He's smiling now. My little guy, and sometimes I think he laughs. He's alert and loves watching the dog, loves sleeping on my shoulder (often covering me in drool and spit-up),loves napping on the boppy on the couch, and I love nothing more than watching him. I'd love a little more sleep at night, or for him not to nurse for an hour in the middle of the night, but it means spending more time with my little guy, so I'll take it. I go back to work in a few weeks, thanks to him being 10 days late, and me starting my maternity leave too soon, and I am already dreading how much I'm going to miss him. Every day I think about being a SAHM (stay at home mom) but that thought quickly leaves when he screams for what feels like forever and I realize that there's no way we'd be able to afford it. I'm jealous of Phil who'll be home for 12 weeks once I go back, who'll get to see this little man develop even more of his personality, and I know that he'll cherish every moment he spends with him as much as I do now. He might not cherish the spit up and the sometimes REALLY messy diapers, but I'm sure he'll love watching him smile and laugh. And I'll love every minute with him once I get home.

I stole this song from another blog I've recently discovered (I have a new thing for mommy blogs) and it made me cry instantly. Big fat tears. Its from the perspective of the dad, but I don't care, it fits perfectly and I love it. I forget who it's by though. Some country singer I think.

I remember saying I don't care either way
Just as long as he or she is healthy I'm ok
Then the doctor pointed to the corner of the screen
And said "You see that thing right there well you know what that means"

And I started wondering who he was going to be
And I thought heaven help us if he's anything like me
He'll probably climb a tree too tall and ride his bike to fast
End up every summer wearing something in a cast

He's gonna throw a ball and break some glass in a window down the street
He's gonna get in trouble oh he's gonna get in fights
I'm gonna lose my temper and some sleep
It's safe to say that I'm gonna get my payback if he's anything like me

I can see him right now knees all skinned up
With a magnifying glass trying to melt a Tonka truck
Won't he be a sight with his football helmet on
That'll be his first love til his first love comes along
He'll get his heart broke by the time he's in his teens
And heaven help him if he's anything like me

He'll probably stay out too late and drive his car too fast
Get a speeding ticket he'll pay for mowing grass
He's gonna get caught skipping class and be grounded for a week
He's gonna get in trouble we're gonna get in fights
I'm gonna lose my temper and some sleep

It's safe to say that I'm gonna get my payback if he's anything like me

He's gonna love me and hate me along the way
Years are gonna fly by I already dread the day
He's gonna hug his momma, he's gonna shake my hand
He's gonna act like he cant wait to leave

But as he drives out he'll cry his eyes out
If he's anything like me there's worse folks to be like
Aw he'll be alright if he's anything like me

Happy One Month Birthday Alex!

My little man is one month old today. It is amazing how fast time goes once these little beings are finally out of your belly. 9 months seems like a decade, and then once they're finally here, time can't be slowed down enough. At one month, Alexander can: smile (although not really socially, but he smiles at me all the time, whether its gas or he's just happy to see me, I'll take it); sleeps about 5 hours at night in between feedings and makes "non-cry" sounds, his favorite is a contended "ahhhhh" as he's nursing.

Because of Alex, I have learned how do numerous things one handed. I can function on almost no sleep. As much as we struggled with breastfeeding in the beginning, we've fallen into quite a little groove with the whole nursing thing. Philip and I are that much closer, and I have seen his life changed too, the smile that I see on his face when he sees his son melts my heart. This little man has changed my life in countless ways, and I know that he will continue to do so as he grows up. Even though sometimes he cries for what feels like hours and I don't know why, and even though he pees on me, spits up on me and has some of the poopiest diapers in the world (and feels the need to start pooping as I'm changing his diaper....why does he do this??), I would not trade any of this for the world.

I just wish I could slow down time a little bit.